like with the cute boy from my chemistry class. It's not like with the bassist with the cold hands. Or the guy I kissed at my best friend's party.
It's not a crush.
It's deeper, stronger, infinitely more painful.
He's my new favorite book.
I want to pry apart his pages, underline his explanations, dive into every ounce of his meaning.
Does the metaphor make sense?
Am I really using this space to talk about a boy?
But then he's not a boy.
And this isn't a normal summer fling.
This time next month, I’ll never see him again. That's the deal. That's what's so terrifying. Not that I'm going to lose him. That's scary, sure, but it's not what I feel in my bones.
There's this idea about ledges. People aren't afraid of falling. They're afraid of jumping. They're afraid they'll see the ground beneath them and give in to the urge to meet it.
I'm not afraid of falling.
I'm afraid of jumping into the abyss.
I don't want to say goodbye. But knowing I have to…
There's something freeing about that. Like this space. I can spill every ugly thought in my head. I can tell him about my shitty father. My fantasies of ending the asshole forever.
I can tell him about what happened with Addie and how I was so scared I'd lose her. And under that, so jealous she had the guts. So in awe of her bravery. Because I felt that way too. I wanted out too. I would have done anything to make it better too.
And I…
It was a lot of things. Impulsive, unfair, desperate, tragic. And brave. I don't want to admit it. I don't want to consider it. I don't write about it here. Or anywhere. Because I'm too scared of the ledge. I'm too scared of jumping.
I'm too scared of landing in a puddle on the floor.
That's what he's going to do to me.
He's going to undo my binding. Spread my pages on the floor. Let them blow away in the wind.
I'm mixing metaphors here. I'm not thinking straight. Because I can't think straight.
Only of his soft lips and his rough touch and that deep tone of his voice.
And how much I want to hear him say come for me, vixen.
And how much I want to hear him say I love you, all of you, the ugly parts and the beautiful ones. The girl you hide behind the makeup and the combat boots and the girl you present to the world.
All the scars. All the secrets.
Everything.
But I can't want that. I barely know him.
Only that isn't true. Not anymore. I do know him. Not just because his hands have been inside me. Not just because I've tasted him. Not just because I've felt his name on my lips.
Because I have the book right here. I'm prying it open, peeling the pages apart, underlining all my favorite sections.
Asking what the hell does it mean?
Maybe it's like any great literature.
Maybe there is no right answer.
Or maybe I'm already halfway to the ground. Because I can't think of fiction without thinking of him.
Splat.
I'm a puddle on the concrete.
Pages blowing in the wind.
A mixed metaphor to end all mixed metaphors.
I guess I should state it plainly.
I'm terrified of falling in love with him.
It feels so boring, so obvious, so done. How can I be so conventional?
Maybe I'm not the rebel I think I am.
Maybe I'm a coward.
But I see that ledge and I want to jump.
To give him my body, my mind, my heart.
Can I do that?
Can I handle what he'll give me in return?
Chapter Thirty-Four
Ian
I wake to a Google alert. A new entry on Eve's site.
I haven't looked. I've been good. Practiced restraint.
He Likes Me, He Likes Me Not
Dear Diary,
I like a boy. Does he like me? Let me find a daisy and count the petals. He likes me. He likes me not. He likes me. He likes me not.
Can you imagine?
It's about me.
She's telling the fucking world about me.
I need to know what she's saying. What she's thinking. Everything inside her beautiful head.
My finger brushes the cell screen. Every molecule in my body wants to click the link. To dive into her thoughts. Take every one of them, hold them close, claim them as mine.
I fight the urge.
Put the fucking phone aside.
Dress.
I'm late for flying a fucking helicopter. I don't have the mental space for this.
She demands it anyway.
She stays in my head as I eat, fly, finish an hour at the gym, shower, fix dinner.