though I just nearly drowned, I feel like I’m desperate for water. “I love you guys. I don’t want to go. I want to stay here.” Hot tears pour down my face as Raz climbs to his feet, lifting me up in his arms and holding me close.
He carries me outside with Calix and Barron stuck to his sides like glue, refusing to put any sort of distance between us. Raz sets me down on one of the logs near the smaller fire and gets a water bottle from one of the coolers, bringing it to me without my even having to ask.
All around us, students lay in piles, sleeping on blankets or mattresses dragged here for this specific purpose. Liquor bottles litter the forest floor, along with discarded clothing, and forgotten masks. It’s mostly quiet, a few people chatting here and there, one lone boy dancing naked near the bonfire.
I almost smile, putting the water bottle to my lips, but there’s a bittersweet energy in the air that I can’t shake. I didn’t die, but I also can’t move on. Sure, everyone remembers bits of the other timelines in a hazy, dreamlike sort of way, but we’ll never be able to progress any further than this. Live in New Orleans. Travel the world. Have children.
This is it, all I have, just the Devils’ Day party.
Barron crouches down beside me as Calix and Raz take a seat on either side of me, pressing their bodies up against mine. Calix throws his coat over my shoulders and buttons the top button, looping an arm around my waist to keep me warm.
“Do you want to talk about what happened?” Barron asks, but I shake my head. There’s no point. As soon as I close my eyes and fall asleep, he’ll forget it ever happened. Calix and Raz, too. I’m just glad Luke didn’t have to see me like that. “Is this something that’s likely to happen again?”
“I don’t think I’ll ever do anything like that, in this life or any other,” I whisper, closing my eyes as more tears begin to fall.
“Fuck,” Raz growls, wrapping his arms around me and not giving a shit that Calix is already doing the same. “You scared the crap out of us, Karma. How could you do that, after you just told us you’re in fucking love with us?”
“I’m sorry,” I sob, putting my face in my hands as Barron kneels down in front of me, adding his arms around me, so that all three boys are holding me. “I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry, Karma,” Calix says, his voice hoarse and dark. “Everything will be different tomorrow, I promise.” He holds me close, and I sob harder, hearing the tears in his own words, and wondering why I can’t just have this, why I can’t live to see tomorrow.
“Come on,” Barron says after we’ve all cried ourselves out and a dawn blush is pressing its lips to the velvety darkness of the night sky.
He gathers up some spare blankets and creates a nest for us in front of the log bench while Calix fetches some dry clothes from his car.
“Do you want us to look away?” Raz asks, but I’m already stripping my wet dress and tossing it aside, not caring who sees. I just want to pull the fresh hoodie and sweats on and go to sleep. Seeing the boys be so tender with me, so caring … it’s going to fucking break me.
“Don’t look away,” I tell Raz, meeting his red eyes with my own tired, aching ones. “And don’t leave.”
“I wouldn’t fucking dream of it,” he says, pulling me down to the makeshift bed.
The boys and I crowd around the dancing flames of the fire, their bodies close as they cocoon me under a black blanket, studded with silver stars. I'm shivering, but that's okay. It'll be over soon, and I'll wake up at the gas station, doomed to die, desperate to live.
“Close your eyes and we'll greet the sunrise together,” Barron whispers, his voice as warm as the flames near my now bare toes. I'm wearing the Burberry Prep hoodie and sweatpants that Calix had in his car, cuddled up between Barron and Raz. Calix is so close, our fingers curl together as he lays with an arm over Raz.
If I'd known it'd only take me trying to commit suicide to get them to stop fighting, I'd … But I can't even pretend I'd have ever tried anything like this before. And
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