Desperately Seeking - By Evelyn Cosgrave Page 0,75
wanted to go off with loads of men – and I never cheated on Mike – I wanted to be like the aborted student I was when I met him. If I’d never met him I would have messed around for years and maybe have met someone, maybe not. But even an eejit like me can recognize one of the good ones when you meet him. I don’t know what the fuck he saw in me. I suppose there must have been something, but whatever it was it didn’t last. He desperately tried to hide it, but he fell out of love with me… I don’t know when exactly… but there was a long time when he was faking it.’
‘Do you resent him for that?’ asked Iris.
‘No. He faked it because he thought that was what I wanted. And it was. For a long time. And he would have continued to pretend, very expertly, that he still loved me for as long as I appeared to want him to. And I love him for that.’
Nobody had expected so much talk out of Jean and now that she was done she sank back in her seat and appeared to fall asleep. Iris remained composed, as if it was normal for her to provoke such outbursts.
Only Lucy seemed somewhat uncomfortable. She turned to Marion rather urgently. ‘But you have a great marriage, don’t you, Marion, and it isn’t like any of Jean’s stupid categories.’
‘Yes,’ said Marion, ‘but we work at it. We’re lucky that we suit each other, but we still have to make allowances for our individuality.’
‘But ye really, really love each other?’
‘Yes, we do. And that probably is the bottom line. As long as you’re not leading some insane lifestyle, you can get over most things if you truly love each other. Don’t blame Jean – she’s right about one thing. She shouldn’t have got married. She never liked sharing anything – not her toys, not her room, not her sweets, not to mind her life. She’s better at it now, but that’s only because she’s lived with such a selfless man for so long. Don’t be worried. For ever can work.’
‘I’m not worried. We’re very stable.’
Iris, not disturbed by this either, took Lucy’s hand in both of hers and squeezed gently. ‘And, besides, we can’t get married. Thank God. I’d never want to go through that rigmarole. If you love each other, you stay together. It’s as simple as that.’ Then she turned to me. ‘You’re getting married soon, I believe?’
‘Yes,’ I said, ‘probably next summer. We’re in the process of deciding on a date.’
‘Are you excited?’
‘I suppose I am,’ I said, although it was an unusual question, ‘but we got engaged ages ago and that’s where the real excitement was. I’m sure it’ll all heat up again once we’re booking things.’
Suddenly it felt odd to be sitting with my sisters and one sister’s girlfriend, talking about marriage. It surprised me to hear Jean talking about her marriage to Mike almost as if she hadn’t been involved. I liked his idea of a marriage, though – it was hopefully what I would have with Keith. Evenings in by the fire and evenings out in nice restaurants… I could see how it would go. And then I saw something else, something I really couldn’t ignore any more…
Then there were some less pleasant things to think about. Like the rather uncomfortable trip with Keith to his family wedding. And the silly row we had about the roles of bridesmaids and best men. And then there was my last day at work, which had turned out to be one of my best days at work but it was followed by the realization that I was now unemployed and had no income and that I was going to be a student again, which I hadn’t enjoyed very much the first time round. I still knew I was doing the right thing but I needed someone to remind me of it constantly or I’d fall into a deep afraid-of-change depression.
Oh, yes. There was also the fact that Keith had dumped me. I needed to think about that, too.
14
Keith kept staring at the hat box and insisting it wouldn’t fit in the car.
‘Of course it will,’ I said. ‘It’s just a little hat box.’
In fact it was a very large hat box, outsize almost, but there was still no reason why it wouldn’t fit somewhere in his generously proportioned Ford Mondeo.