Desperately Seeking - By Evelyn Cosgrave Page 0,43
looked at her in a very long time? I was enjoying the moment – I couldn’t but be happy that my slightly estranged sister and I were bonding over Silk Cut Blue – but I was still mad at her. I still held in my mind the image of a deranged Mike crumpled on the foyer floor in my building. It was something I shouldn’t have seen and she was responsible for it.
‘Jean,’ I decided to ask her, ‘why the dramatic exit? Why did you tell Mike you were leaving him before you went away? Why didn’t you wait until you came back? You really, really wrecked his head.’
‘I know.’
She rubbed her face with her hands. ‘I know that was probably the worst part of it but it was the only way.’ She was pleading with me to understand. ‘I knew that if I just went up to Dublin without saying anything I’d lose my bottle by the time I got back. I’d tried to say something before but I could never muster the courage. This way I could say it and leave and not have to deal with it until I had time to come to terms with it myself. I know it was lousy, but it was the only way. If I’d stayed to have it out with him I’d probably have ended up backing down because… well… it’s pretty hard to say no to a really loving man who’s been everything to you for nearly half your life. You know what I mean?’
‘Yeah,’ I had to admit. ‘I think I probably do. But,’ I added, ‘it was still a horrible thing to do to Mike. He didn’t deserve that.’
‘I know.’ Her voice quivered. She was crying.
I hugged her and held her tightly until her body stopped heaving. In a way I admired her. She had done a very difficult thing.
‘I am going to talk to him.’ She was blowing her nose. ‘I want to see him and explain. But I couldn’t have done that if I hadn’t given myself the chance to get it straight in my head first. After saying it to him and to Mum there was definitely no going back.’
I had forgotten about Mum.
‘Oh, God, Mum,’ I blurted out. ‘She had to be sedated. There was consternation!’
We burst out laughing. We’re truly terrible daughters.
‘Oh, no,’ said Jean. ‘She’s not too bad, is she? I had a few qualms about that – I didn’t want to be responsible for bringing on an early death. But I had to tell her. She’s a tough old bird and she needed to be told the truth. I’m actually more worried about Dad. He really likes Mike, and he’ll hate me for doing this to him.’
‘He won’t hate you. Dad isn’t capable of that. You’re his first born. He loves you. But, yes, he is disappointed. And a bit bewildered. It’s not within his realms of understanding why someone would leave any marriage, let alone a marriage that involved Mike.’
‘Oh, stop, you’re making me feel bad.’
‘Well, I’m sorry, Jeanie dear, but bad is how you’ve got to feel. At least some of the time.’
‘I know, I know. But you do see why I had to do it?’
‘Look,’ I said to her, ‘if you’re sure you’ve done the right thing. Are you sure, after all you’ve said to me here, that you want to end your marriage, leave your life as you’ve known it for the past fifteen years – and for no good reason either, mind you, other than that you want to rediscover your wild youth?’
She paused, whether for effect or to think, I didn’t know.
‘Yes,’ she said eventually. ‘I’m sure. It’s the right thing.’
‘Well, OK, then.’
It was getting a bit chilly and our G-and-Ts needed freshening so we went back inside. Jean was visibly lighter in spirit, almost buoyant. I’d never thought a marriage break-up could be so pleasant. We found our table again and settled down with our drinks and a packet of crisps.
‘You know,’ she said, after a while, ‘this isn’t all bad for Mike. Once he gets over the shock, he’ll be much better off.’
‘How do you make that out?’ I asked, intrigued and dubious.
‘Well,’ she was taking her time, choosing her words carefully, ‘it’s been a while since Mike was in love with me.’
‘That’s not true!’
‘It is. I’m not saying there’s anything bad in that. I’m not saying I’m fleeing a loveless marriage, but he isn’t in love with me any more.’