and took a few stumbling steps down the front walk as I struggled to breathe. It felt like something was growing inside of me, taking up the room that I needed and stealing my air. A choked sound escaped me, then another.
Across the street, a fey stopped walking to look at me; and just like that, I inhaled and my walk smoothed out. I waved, not even knowing how I’d managed the bright smile I wore, and crossed the street.
“Good morning, Tor,” I said when I neared. Then, I broke eye contact and kept walking.
Awareness tingled along my spine, and I looked back, thinking Tor might have followed me in a bid for conversation. However, it wasn’t Tor I saw watching me.
Merdon stood near the tree in my front yard.
I faced forward again and continued on my way, not knowing where I was headed until I arrived at Mary and James’s place.
Despite the early hour, James still called out in welcome after my second knock.
“Didn’t think we’d see you again so soon,” James said from his chair.
“Yeah, me either. Emily and I had a fight, and I needed somewhere quiet to think.”
James considered me for a moment then asked, “Do you want to talk about it?”
I almost said that I didn’t but realized I was with the one person who might be able to help me. Sitting in the chair beside him, I exhaled slowly and tucked my hands between my knees.
“I’m going to die,” I said, looking at him. “These walls might delay it; but someday, somehow, I’m going to die.”
He nodded slowly.
“I didn’t figure that out until I was in my thirties. I can still remember how that made me feel. The fear.” He stood and went to the decanter on the sideboard and poured us both a small amount. Without another word, he handed me a glass. I gulped down the contents and held out the cup for more. He obliged.
With the alcohol warming my stomach, some of the shaking eased.
“What is the point of all this, James?” I asked before I could stop myself. “The struggle to keep going when you know there’s just another round of pain hiding behind the next corner?”
“It’s not about the pain but about the happiness in between,” James said kindly. “Don’t worry. The fear will fade, and you’ll see.”
I doubted that very much.
I was about to stand and excuse myself when Mary peeked out from the kitchen.
“I thought I heard someone,” she said, emerging to give me a hug. “I could use a helper.”
It wasn’t her earnest expression that had me staying but James’s murmured, “I’ll get you a refill,” that decided me. I was where I needed to be.
My certainty dimmed as I spent the next two hours hand-laminating ridiculous question cards Mary had spent most of the night making. That James had capped the decanter after my third drink added to my doubt.
Placing the last card on the stack, I quickly stood. The drinks had warmed my belly and taken the edge off the worst of my thoughts, but I knew what would happen if I didn’t find something more soon. I did not want to be sober.
“I better get going,” I said. “I don’t want Emily to worry about me.”
“She loves you so much,” Mary said with a pat to my shoulder before she scooped up the cards and disappeared into the kitchen.
“How disappointed will she be when she figures out that Emily and I aren’t gay?” I asked James.
He chuckled.
“She’ll be thrilled. It’ll mean she can add your names to the dating fishbowl.” He pointed to a glass jar that had folded pieces of paper in them.
“Not ever happening,” I said, grabbing my jacket.
“She’s right, though, about Emily. That girl cares about everyone, but she worries about you more than the rest. You should take another bottle of liquor home. I think she’s worried you won’t have enough.”
I’d started toward the cabinet at his suggestion but paused at the last statement.
“Why would you think that?” I asked.
“She was asking how many shots are in a bottle and how long a bottle would last. She knows how you like your gatherings and knows that one bottle won’t do much.”
“Ah. Well, I don’t think I’ll be in the mood for a gathering for a while. I have a lot to wrap my head around.”
He nodded in understanding.
“Come back whenever you’d like. We’ll find you a quiet place to sit and think here.” He frowned and glanced at the