Crossing the room, I approached him with my heart thundering in my ears. My fingers were steady as I placed them on his chest and looked up to meet his gaze.
“I jumped because I thought there was nothing left. That there was no other way to escape my guilt and shame. I can’t say I’m glad you stopped me because you’ve been a pain in my ass ever since. But I can say that I’ve learned a lot since then. Life isn’t meant to be easy or pain-free. We all have regrets and mistakes we’re trying to cope with. I wasn’t coping before, but I’m trying to do that now.”
His fingers circled my wrist and plucked my hand free of his chest.
“Go.”
I didn’t understand why there was a low warning in that single word, but I listened to it and hurried to my bedroom. He didn’t bother me as I got ready for bed or when I sat up, reading the book. It was good, really good, and spoke to that tormented part of me that I’d been trying to ignore. It also affirmed what I’d said to Merdon. We all had issues. Even the fictional versions of ourselves.
The hands of a dozen infected were holding me down, and I fought with everything I had to free myself as I screamed in desperation.
“Hannah, you are safe.” The firm words penetrated the remnants of the dream, and I untangled myself from the restraining sheets.
Panting, I looked around the room wildly.
“You’re safe,” Merdon repeated, reaching out to run a hand over my hair.
A full-body tremble shuddered its way through me, and I leaned into his touch hard before I came to my senses and scrambled from the bed.
I held up my hands as he stood, a shadow among shadows.
“No, I’m good. I’m fine.” The hitch in my voice said otherwise.
“Hannah, you have one minute to tell me what’s wrong before I throw you over my shoulder and take you downstairs where we will stay until you talk.”
“That sounds a lot like you’re asking me if we’re going to do this the easy way or the hard way?”
“Because I am.”
I groaned and turned a slow circle, shaking out my arms.
“Why do you always have to push so much?”
“You need pushing.”
“Do I? How do you know? What if I just need some quiet time?”
“You had quiet time before bed. It didn’t help. You’re still acting different.”
I stopped turning and sighed.
“Different. That’s a nice way of saying freaked out that all my freedom is going to be stripped from me forever.”
He tilted his head at me.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean you. I heard what you said to Emily in the kitchen. This isn’t just some fey crush. You have your sights set on me. Me. You’ve staked your claim and chased all the other fey away while my head was swimming with all my glorious narcissism. I didn’t see it, but now I do, and I want it to stop.”
He stood and stalked around the bed. I crossed my arms stubbornly, holding my ground now that I’d said my piece.
“Your freedom has already been stripped away from you forever,” he said softly. “You are mine, Hannah. No more running. No more hiding behind your past. You are mine.”
My bravado left me with the intensity of his words.
“No. Not me. I’m too messed up.” My nose tingled a second before the first tear slipped free. “Pick someone normal. I’m mean, remember?”
“I like mean.”
My pulse gave a jump, and I guiltily acknowledged that I wanted him to want me just as I was. Faults and all. I couldn’t change my past, and I didn’t want to let him go so he could find someone better.
“Are you sure?” I asked, sniffling.
“I want you with every breath and beat of my heart. But I’ve seen how you use other fey. I won’t be used, Hannah. You will not manipulate me.”
He wiped one of my tears away and gripped my chin.
“I’m going to sit down, and you’re going to come to me like you should have in the first place. If you don’t, we go downstairs. Do you understand?”
His attempt to intimidate me was far too successful because I could barely inhale, never mind speak.
“Do you understand?” he repeated with soft menace when I didn’t respond.
I nodded jerkily.
“Good.”
He went to his chair and sat like he’d said then watched me tensely, an angry, challenging light in his eyes. Did I want to