to burst into tears right now over this beautiful man and his story tears at my insides, twisting me, wrenching me. I want to weep—for him, for his past, and for what it’s done to him. But not because it’s just sad, but because it’s turned him into the breathtaking person that’s sitting right in front of me. I can’t breathe. I can’t form a sentence. I can only sit, staring at him as he exposes every part of himself to me.
“I hated them,” Ran repeats, and I hear a sniff at the end of his sentence. Oh no, I think he’s crying. I don’t know how I hadn’t seen it, how the water collecting in his eyes wasn’t clearly visible, but the tear that slips down his cheek pulls one down my own face. “I had so much hate. I had so much guilt. I always thought healing was only about forgiving them, Maggie.” I reach my hand out to his face and cup it on his cheek, brushing the lone tear with my thumb. He leans into my palm and closes his eyes and I pull myself over the bed closer to him, settling onto his lap slowly. Ran slinks his arms around my waist and presses his chest against me. His heart doesn’t race, but keeps a steady, controlled tempo. “Forgiving them was just part of it. But I had to learn to accept that same forgiveness. We’re not meant to live this life clinging to guilt because in some twisted way we think it’s our payment and punishment for what we’ve done.”
Ran runs his palm over the top of my head like he’s soothing me. He sighs into my hair. “Forgiving them was the patch. Allowing myself to accept that same forgiveness was my ransom.”
He stops talking and just looks at me.
“I’m scared, Ran,” I murmur into his chest.
“It’s scary, Maggie. I told you I’m good at patching things up—I can help you with your mom. But I can’t completely fix you—that’s going to come from within. I can’t do that for you.”
“No, that’s not what I’m scared of, as frightening as all that sounds.” I tilt my chin up. I can’t get over how beautiful he is. “I’m scared of what I feel.” My heart thunders in my ears. “I’m scared of you, Ran.”
“I’m not trying to scare you.” He shakes his head. “I just want you to know who I am and how I’ve gotten here. How I’m not bound by my guilt, my mistakes, or even their mistakes anymore.”
“That’s what scares me. Who you are. You’re this incredible, unimaginable person that’s had more crap in their life than any one human deserves, and I’m terrified by you.” I pull back to reach his eyes, to try to share a piece of myself by allowing him to see my vulnerability, to stare it straight in the eye. “I’m terrified by you, because you’ve somehow figured it out and you’re living the life I want to live—one where you don’t feel the need to punish yourself anymore. I’m terrified by you, Ran.” I swallow so hard I’m sure he hears it. “I’m terrified by you because I think I’m falling for you.” I swallow once more. “And that scares the hell out of me.”
“Maggie,” Ran utters, his brow pulled taut, almost like he’s in agony.
“I am, Ran,” I say again while I still have courage, before I realize just what I’m doing and try to slink back into my shell again like I always do. “I haven’t allowed myself to love for so long. And it scares me because you’re not safe. Nothing about you feels safe, Ran. Everything about you is terrifying, because you’re turning me into the girl I’ve been running from for these past ten years.”
“But I’ve been searching for that girl for all those years, too.” Ran lifts me off of his lap and presses me backward onto the bed, slowly, gently, with his hand at the low curve of my back as my head meets the mattress. “You have to stop running from her, Maggie. I need her just as much as you do.”
“I’m done running. From her, from you, from it all.” Something flickers in Ran’s eyes and he uses his weight to push me down so I’m completely underneath him, his elbows propped on either side of my body. The fabric of the comforter is cold against my skin. Ran’s fingers twist in my hair to slip the