out into the hall. I steal a look over my shoulder as we exit, and see Dorothy’s eyes focused on something on her nightstand, that same appreciative grin held on her face. From the corner of my eye, I glimpse the flicker of orange fins flitting around in a circular motion.
***
The walk back to my house is quiet, slower than earlier. We spend the first block in comfortable silence, our hands still entwined, and when I open my mouth to speak, my voice cracks. “Patrick isn’t your real name, is it?” I ask as our feet scrape along the sidewalk.
“No,” Ran laughs. “My name has always been Ransom.” We both stop at the curb and wait for an old VW bus to chug past before we step out to cross the street. “And I’ve never been a cable guy, either.”
“Then why do you let him think you are?” I hop back up on the curb on the opposite side and Ran and I continue our leisurely saunter down the block. The temperature has dropped by several more degrees, yet the energized heat from walking next to one another warms me more than I would expect.
“What harm does it do? He doesn’t remember me,” Ran answers matter-of-factly. “What good would it do to try to make him relearn who I am every time I come by?”
“Does he always think you’re a cable guy?”
Ran shakes his head. “No. More often than not he doesn’t even acknowledge me.” He pulls my hand closer toward him and my body follows, our shoulders sandwiched together as we walk. “Today was a good day, Maggie.”
“I don’t understand why you don’t try to remind him who you are.”
Ran sighs, and it’s not an annoyed sound, but more of a fatigued one. “I don’t think it’s fair to challenge someone to do something when they don’t have the capacity to actually do it.”
“Well, I kind of feel like that’s what you’re doing with me, Ran,” I admit. I grip on tighter to his hand, hoping his gut reaction isn’t to cast aside my attempt at vulnerability.
“That’s completely different.” To my relief, Ran’s pressure on my hand doesn’t change. “Forgiveness is a choice. Everyone has the capacity to forgive.”
I don’t press him on it because I know that he’s probably right, and it’s not even fair to compare the two scenarios. “Caroline. Was that your mom?”
“Ha!” Ran whole body lifts with laughter. “No. Caroline was our housekeeper growing up.”
“Oh that’s scandalous!” I chuckle. “So she and your dad are seeing each other now?”
“No, Maggie. Caroline moved out of state ten years ago after her husband died. She and my dad were never together.”
“Oh.” I feel awful for Tom and my heart aches in my chest for Ran. For them both and the realities they are forced to face. “That has got to be terrible to live the way he does. It probably doesn’t even feel like living. Probably more like existing.”
We round the corner and my house creeps into view.
“You want to know what I think, Maggie?” Ran swivels on his heels so we’re face to face. Instead of dropping my hand, his fingers slip down my side to draw the other one up and take it into his possession.
“Do I get a choice?” I mock, curling my mouth into what I hope appears as an attempt at flirting.
Ran ignores it and continues, and I honestly feel a little dejected. “I think Tom lives life more fully than a lot of people who have all their faculties about them, yet just seem to exist rather than truly live.” His penetrating blue eyes bore into me and it’s like he’s speaking through them more than through his mouth with actual words right now. I pray that my own eyes aren’t as telling, and I hope the mist forming over them isn’t perceptible, because I hate how he always does this to me. Challenges me and pushes me and makes me seem like I’m a hopeless cause.
I don’t give him the satisfaction of discovering it on his own. “I think we can add psychoanalyst to your growing list, Ran.” I yank my hands from his and shove them into my pockets, and all the warmth they’d contained slips so quickly from them that they instantly feel brittle and fragile. And they should, because that’s exactly what I am.
“I think that’s the most insulting of the bunch. Worse than kidnapper and hostage holder.” He tugs at my elbow, trying to free my