out to him. “It’s not that. I’m just…surprised, that’s all. It’s not what I was expecting.”
“Well, us either.” Mikey pulls the dishtowel off the hook and wrings it over his hands. “I mean, when we first found out about the tumor, it seemed like a good idea—”
“What seemed like a good idea?” I cautiously slide my plate toward him and he retrieves it to place it in the sink with the rest of the dirty dishes.
“Getting pregnant.” Mikey’s eyes are round. “Sadie and I have always planned on getting married after high school. When we first found out I had cancer…I don’t know…it just felt like life sped up at that moment.”
I nod my head at him, hoping the look on my face does a decent job of disguising the shock underneath.
“And she said that we planned to have a family together someday. What difference did moving that plan up a few years make? We’re eighteen, we’re adults. And we agreed that even if I ended up dying, a piece of me would still live on.” Mikey slams his hands onto his forehead. “Damn. That sounds so stupid saying it out loud.”
“It’s not stupid, Mikey. It’s just not smart.” Maybe Ran’s right; maybe I should consider switching to a linguistics major.
“I get that now, Maggie. But at the hospital, right after I got the diagnosis, before my surgery—”
“Wait—” I throw my hands up, stopping him like I’m a crossing guard. “You’re not saying you and Sadie…” My eyes nearly pop from their sockets as I continue, “…in the hospital?”
“Babies are conceived in hospitals all the time.”
“Yeah, in petri dishes, Mikey! Not in hospital beds!” The horror I had over the thought of someone dying in that stupid gown suddenly takes on an even deeper fear. “Mikey, that’s just—”
“I’m sure it’s not the first time, Maggie,” Mikey defends, both equally embarrassed and frustrated by this whole situation. “I would think that it might rate pretty high on the list of last dying wishes and all.”
“Whatever,” I say. “It doesn’t matter where it happened. So you think she’s actually pregnant?” I deliberately soften my tone.
Mikey shrugs and flips the handle on the faucet. He douses the dishes with more soap than is required and furiously begins scrubbing with the brush in his hands like he’s got a personal vendetta against the pots and pans. “She’s two days late.”
“That doesn’t necessary mean anything,” I assure. “Things like that can be affected by stress, and I think it’s fair to say that she’s been under quite a bit of that lately.”
“I know, that’s what I keep telling her, but she’s freaking out.”
I nod and ignore the water that’s spraying all over the kitchen from his frenzied assault on the dirty dishes. “I’m sure she is. I would be, too.”
“You would have? Like if Brian had gotten you pregnant?”
When he says his name, I shudder. Thinking of Brian like that burns at my stomach more than the acidic juice. Thinking of being pregnant with his child is even worse.
“Yes, I would have freaked out,” I reply calmly.
“Because you weren’t ready to have his baby,” Mikey clarifies.
“Right, because I wasn’t ready to have not just his baby, but any baby. I wasn’t ready for any of it, and in hindsight, I shouldn’t have been doing anything with him that could have gotten us into that situation.”
Mikey tosses the scrub brush down and clamps two firm hands over the side of the sink. “See, but that’s where we’re different. We both want this someday.”
“Right, someday. It’s okay to want to have a family with Sadie someday, Mikey. You’re committed to her and you love her.”
“I might not have a someday,” Mikey sighs. “And so were you and Brian. Committed and in love, I mean.”
I shake my head. “I don’t think so. I don’t think that was love.” If it was, I’m not sure I ever want it again.
“How do you know the difference?”
I bite down on my lip and Mikey resumes his dishwashing, much less violently this time.
“I don’t know, but I can tell you one thing. If Brian and I had gotten pregnant, there’s no way he would have been talking to his sister about it, trying to figure out how to make it work. That wouldn’t have even been an option.”
“I’m scared, Maggie.” Mikey shuts the water off again and drags the dishtowel down his face. “I’m scared to die. I’m scared to live. I’m scared that Sadie’s pregnant and that we’re not ready for