loses two months of his life. Will he remember who he once was? Will he suddenly regain his lost memory?” Ran speaks like he’s reading lines to some movie script. “People eat this sort of thing up. It’s like I’m Jason Bourne or even that guy from Groundhog Day. Why not give them their show and let them enjoy it?”
“Because it’s not a show, it’s your life, Ran.”
He tilts his head. “I get a do-over.” He slinks his back against the chair and runs his index finger over his lip. “Not many people get do-overs in their life.”
My stomach lurches. “But what if everything in your life was the way you wanted it and you didn’t need a do-over? What if it was perfect just the way it was?”
Ran squints his eyes at me and pulls in a breath. “I don’t know,” he says after a reflective pause. “I think in that case, it would be pretty awesome to experience perfection twice.” I don’t think it’s intentional, but as he says it, his eyes fasten on my mouth, and he doesn’t try to hide the fact that he’s staring right at my lips. I bite them and tuck them into my teeth to try to shake his gaze, but it doesn’t work. It only makes him stare more.
“What is your last memory?”
Several more patrons enter the quiet coffee house, the chime on the door dinging as it swings open and a rush of cold air sweeps into the building. The fire flickers against the wind. Ran follows the people’s movements with his eyes while he chews on the inside of his cheek like he’s taking out his nerves on it. I wait for a reply, and with each passing moment my pulse picks up speed.
He brings his eyes back to mine and his jaw tightens. “When I asked you to leave my house.” Ran coils his hands around his coffee cup and then stares into it like he’s memorizing his own reflection in the brown residue that collects at the bottom. “When I took a look at your leg, and overstepped my boundaries by pressing you too hard about your mom.” He won’t look at me. “That’s what I remember, Maggie.”
I choke on the breath I was inhaling. I don’t get it. If that is the last thing he remembers about me, why is he sitting here with me now? Why would he want anything to do with me if that’s how he thinks things ended between us?
“You know how I knew you were lying about there not being anything between us?” His eyes snap up suddenly and the lump jumps into my mouth, filling it with bitter acid I’m forced to trap behind my lips so I don’t retch all over the table. “The way you acted back at my house—back with Nikon. That is not how our next interaction would have played out, Maggie.” Ran tosses his head back and forth. “There had to be more in between. You don’t go from yelling at someone, telling them to get out, to a lighthearted interaction like that—acting like nothing happened.”
I summon any type of resolve I have left in my shattered heart and hold back the tears that climb into my eyes.
“Am I right?” Ran reaches a hand across the table, like he’s waiting for me to take it. I just look down at it, then up at him. “Please tell me I’m right.”
“I have to go.”
Ran nods and blinks slowly, deliberately. “Fair enough.” I’m shocked when he stands to his feet and doesn’t challenge me. He holds out a hand once more.
“Really? That’s it?” I stand without taking his hand and tug the hem of my skirt down.
“You don’t owe me anything, Maggie. If you say there was nothing between us, I believe you.” His hand is still outstretched. “If you say that was it, then that was it.”
My lungs rattle in my chest and I’m biting so hard on my lip that I just about pierce the flesh. Why does it feel like I’m losing him all over again? If the emptiness inside me was already there, it’s not like it could get any emptier. You can’t subtract from what you don’t have. But that’s exactly what it feels like. Like more pieces are torn from me. Like the possibility of Ran suddenly remembering everything is snatched away. Like hope is gone. And losing all hope—that’s more than just feeling empty. That’s the feeling of despair, when