liking her."Was your father like that?" he asked, not only because it mattered, but because he was interested.
"Very much." She lifted her head and pushed back a stray strand of hair. The gesture was startlingly familiar to him, bringing back not a sight or a sound, but an emotion of tenderness rare and startling to him, and a longing to protect her as if she were a vulnerable child; and yet he knew beyond question that the urgency he felt was not that which he might have towards any child, but only towards a woman.
But which woman? What had happened between them, and why did he not know her now? Was she dead? Had he failed to protect her, as he had failed with the Walbrooks? Or had they quarreled over something; had he been too precipitate with his feelings? Did she love someone else?
If only he knew more of himself, he might know the answer to that. All he had learned up until now showed him that he was not a gentle man, not used to bridling his tongue to protect other people's feelings, or to stifling his own wants, needs, or opinions. He could be cruel with words. Too many cautious and bruised inferiors had borne witness to that. He recalled with increasing discomfort the wariness with which they had greeted him when he returned from the hospital after the accident. They admired him, certainly, respected his professional ability and judgment, his honesty, skill, dedication and courage. But they were also afraid of him - and not only if they were lax in duty or less than honest, but even if they were in the right. Which meant that a number of times he must have been unjust, his sarcastic wit directed against the weak as well as the strong. It was not a pleasant knowledge to live with.
"Tell me about him." He looked at Sabella. "Tell me about his nature, his interests, what you liked best about him, and what you disliked."
"Liked best about him?" She concentrated hard. "I think Hiked. . ."
He was not listening to her. The woman he had loved - yes, loved was the word - why had he not married her? Had she refused him? But if he had cared so much, why could he not now even recall her face, her name, anything about her beyond these sharp and confusing flashes?
Or had she been guilty of the crime after all? Was that why he had tried to expunge her from his mind? And she returned now only because he had forgotten the circumstances, the guilt, the dreadful end of the aflair? Could he have been so mistaken in his judgment? Surely not. It was his profession to detect truth from lies - he could not have been such a fool!
"... and I liked the way he always spoke gently," Sabella was saying. "I can't recall that I ever heard him shout, or use language unbecoming for us to hear. He had a lovely voice." She was looking up at the ceiling, her face softer, the anger gone from it, which he had only dimly registered when she must have been speaking of some of the things she disliked in her father."He used to read to us from the Bible - the Book of Isaiah especially," she went on. "I don't remember what he said, but I loved listening to him because his voice wrapped all 'round us and made it all seem important and good."
"And your greatest dislike?" he prompted, hoping she had not already specified it when he was not listening.
"I think the way he would withdraw into himself and not even seem to notice that I was there - sometimes for days," she replied without hesitation. Then a look of sorrow came into her eyes, and a self-conscious pain. "And he never laughed with me, as if - as if he were not altogether comfortable in my company." Her fair brows puckered as she concentrated on Monk. "Do you know what I mean?"
Then as quickly she looked away. "I'm sorry, that is a foolish question, and embarrassing. I fear I am being no help at all - and I wish I could." This last was said with such intense feeling that Monk ached to be able to reach across the bright space between them and touch her slender wrist, to assure her with some more immediate warmth than words, that he did understand. But to do so