Death's Excellent Vacation - By Charlaine Harris & Toni L. P. Kelner Page 0,89
shoved a rake in my hand before she charged off, wielding a chunk of garden hose like it was nunchuks, I stayed in the back and tried to keep out of the way of maddened nymphs.
“Nice . . . er . . . wings,” I said as one flower-bedecked faery in a translucent gown ran past me screaming at the top of her lungs, a nymph in hot pursuit. I wandered over to where two other nymphs had a male faery pinned and were taking turns beating him over the head with a bouquet of flowers he’d evidently strapped to his hip (male faeries aren’t, as a rule, the Otherworld’s most manliest men). “Two against one—I like your style,” I told the nymphs, giving them a thumbs-up as I moved past.
It didn’t take long for the nymphs to wreak complete havoc among the fae folk. Ten minutes after they charged in, the whole motley gang of faeries were huddled together in one glittery, gauzy group. Muffled sobs and murmurs of comfort were periodically heard, but they gave the nymphs who stood over them, brandishing their weapons, no further problem.
None of them did except the head faery, that is. Titania had squared off with her ex next to the biggest bonfire. He was a big blond dude with feathered hair and a garland of ivy leaves on his head. “There you are!”
“Titania! My love! My darling! My one true . . . er . . . one! How I have missed you!”
“You lying bastard!” Titania said as she marched around him. Two of the nymphs held his arms while she circled him, the sword pointed right at him. He looked worried. “You missed me? You’re the one who had me banished to the Akasha, just so you could screw some watery naiad!”
“That was all a mistake. It was a glamour! Nothing more! She temporarily deranged my mind, but as soon as I came out of it and realized what she had forced me to do, I moved heaven and earth to get you out and back to my arms, my dearest, loveliest Titania.”
“Which explains why you had all nymphs cast out of the Court, eh?” Titania asked, making another circuit around him. This time she poked him here and there with the tip of the sword. She didn’t actually draw blood, but he jumped each time the point touched him.
“It was the glamour!” he said, starting to sweat. “I swear to you, I would never have done anything to harm you or your girls—”
The sword poked deep enough into his skin to leave a drop of blood glowing on its tip.
Oberon squawked. “Ladies, I mean ladies! I would never do anything to harm you or your ladies! You know that, my dearest darling. I live for you, my love. My heart beats for you, only for you. Take my crown, take my wings, take everything away from me—everything but your love.”
“Aw, man, I feel that chili dog I had for dinner coming back on me,” I said, rubbing my belly. “You don’t think you could lay it on a little more thick, do you, bud? I bet another round of you telling Tittles how much you love her would have me refunding.”
Oberon’s eyes flashed at me for a second before he made puppy-dog eyes at Titania.
“A glamour, you say.” Titania stopped in front of him, her eyes assessing what she saw.
“It had to be that, my darling, my beauteous one. You know I have devoted my whole life to you.”
I didn’t believe it, but evidently Titania fell for it. She lowered her sword and allowed Oberon to scoop her up in his arms, murmuring all sorts of lovey-dovey crap that anyone with half a mind could tell was total bull.
“I think I really may ralph,” I told the nearest nymph, the one who frowned so much. She looked a bit green around the gills, too. “Hey, Ti! You gonna get me to Paris before you and the Obster there go off to the land of Boinksville?”
“Certainly. Cobs, take the demon to the portal in Helsinki and see that it’s sent to Paris. Now, Oberon, about the repeal on the ban of nymphs at the Court . . .”
The pair of them wandered off. “How long do you give that?” I asked the nymph named Cobs as she gestured for me to follow her. The other nymphs were releasing the wad of damp faeries, all of whom twitched whenever one of the