(AL): I thought we could continue our talk from last session.
(CJ): I told you everything.
(AL): Yes. But you haven’t let me tell you anything yet.
(CJ): I don’t belong here.
(AL): Kaitlyn, we found you up on the roof of the school. You had lesions and bruising on your head, presumably from repeated impact. You need treatment.
[Silence]
I’m happy to send you back to Elmbridge eventually, but you need to show me that you can cope on your own.
(CJ): I’m taking the meds.
(AL): That’s a start. A good one. But you need to talk to me.
(CJ): I don’t see the point! I don’t know what you want me to say!
(AL): The first topic that comes into your head. Just start.
(CJ): This is stupid.
(AL): [Quietly] Try. Please.
(CJ): [Mumbles]
(AL): Come on, you can do it. The first thing.
(CJ): I… I can’t. I want to stop.
(AL): Kaitlyn, you have to try.
(CJ): I said I want to stop!
[End of tape]
47
The Johnson Claydon Diaries
Second Entry
I’m not me,
And nor is she,
Who sits upon the bed?
But then who,
Is me, is you,
Who sits here very dead?
Third Entry
It’s been a week, I think… and I can just about hold my pencil steady. Reliving it is hard, but if I don’t get it down while it’s fresh, it will change like water and then I’ll never find her.
I can’t remember everything that happened the morning I woke. It comes to me in terrible slaps that are sharp like glass on my memory, and I’ve been trying to piece it together. I remember that there wasn’t enough air, and what air there was, was hot—too hot. I couldn’t breathe because it boiled my lungs, and I gagged on the alveoli bubbling up into my throat. I ran—ran out the door and maybe down the corridor, maybe down the fire escape—that part’s foggy.
I fled the room, fled the wing, fled the school. Fled my mind, Dee.
I remember running, and things in my way, and knocking into people who were all arms trying to catch me. I remember drowning in the open air, and everything being painful on my eyes. I remember someone’s voice calling Carly’s name, and I remember covering my ears and screaming as I fled.
I remember writing, so maybe I told you all this already. I can’t be sure, though, until I get back to Elmbridge. So here it is again, maybe. Not. I don’t know.
The rest is muddled. There was the roof, rain, thunder—someone carrying me away, and my heart broke that I had lost my chance to fly. Lansing is going to lock me up forever now.
Carly was gone. Carly was nothing. I’ve lost her. I’m in her space… her space is empty. It’s been so many days, Dee, and Carly is still gone.
The doctors dosed me again. It was like I was back to that messed-up place after they died. It’s like I lost it myself as well as Carly.
Honestly, Dee, I have no idea what I’m going to do.
I’ve had more dreams. What is going on???
I keep hoping I’ll discard when the sun rises.
Fourth Entry
The girl is here the girl is here the girl is here the
girl is here the girl is here the girl is here the girl
is here the girl is here the girl is here the girl is
here the girl is here the girl is here the girl is here
the girl is here the girl is here the girl is here the
girl is here the girl is here the girl is here the girl
is here the girl is here the girl is here the girl is
here the girl is here the girl is here the girl is here
the girl is here the girl is here the girl is here the
girl is here the girl is here the girl is here the girl
is here the girl is here the girl is here the girl is
here the girl is here the girl is here the girl is here
the girl is here the girl is here the girl is here the girl
is here the girl is here the girl is here the girl is here
the girl is here the girl is here the girl is here the girl
is here the girl is here the girl is here the girl is here
the girl is here the girl is here the girl is here the girl
is here the girl is here the girl is here the girl is here
the girl is here the girl is here the girl is here the girl