mama had died in childbirth, and her death had ruined my papa. Carmen had told me that when my mama was alive, the men around him had said he was happy. Ruthless, but happy with my mama. When she died, they said that the kindness and the friendliness he possessed died too. Only I, his daughter, saw glimpses of the man he had once been. It was why I could never hate him for the way he sometimes treated me. I was the reason my mama was taken from him. I was the reason he suffered.
I was the only family he had.
I had never even seen a picture of my mama. My papa found it too hard to keep them around. I didn’t want to cause him pain, so I quickly learned as a child never to ask to see one. Though Carmen said she was the most beautiful woman she had ever seen. Long dark hair, deep chocolate eyes, pretty and strong.
She told me I looked just like her.
“What does love have to do with anything?” Papa said, and the last flicker of hope that he would stop this engagement faded from my heart. Papa glanced out of the window. His mind drifted out of this room and to somewhere else. “It’s better not to love too hard, princesa.” I felt my bottom lip tremble for the pain he was in. His, and my own. Because there was some truth to his words. The love I felt for Tanner . . . Sometimes, in my darkest of moments, I wondered if this level of love, this soul-shattering kind of possession, was worth all the pain and the heartache.
It was like being tethered to the ground by an unyielding rope, when all you wanted to do was let go and float away.
Papa cleared his throat and faced me with a tight smile. He reached across the table for my hand. His thumb ran over the ring that Diego had placed on my finger only a few hours ago. “He is a good man. Strong. A leader. He will look after you when I am no longer here to do so.” I dropped my eyes, trying to rein in my anger. I did not need a man to look after me. “He has loved you since you were born, princesa.” Papa shook his head fondly. “I remember the day he first saw you. He was smitten. Came to see you every day. He followed you around, hanging off your every word.” Papa showed a hint of smile. It made me smile too.
Papa patted my hand. “You may not love him yet, Adelita. But you will.” Papa got up and kissed my head. “You’re a good daughter. Strong. Innocent, and you know your duty.” I understood the subtext. You will marry Diego regardless of your lack of feelings toward him. My word is law. “The wedding will be in three weeks.”
Shock rendered me speechless. I was paralyzed, unable to move as Papa walked out of my suite. Carmen was through in seconds. “Adelita,” she said quietly. I jumped to my feet before she reached me. I couldn’t let her touch me. I couldn’t let her comfort me. I would fall apart. I would crumble . . .
“I’m going to Father Reyes for confession.” I rushed to my closet and changed. I passed Carmen without speaking and went out to the front of the hacienda. A car was waiting for me; Carmen must have called ahead. “Templo de Santa Maria,” I instructed the driver. He pulled away, and I pulled my scarf over my face to stop him seeing the tears. We passed through the streets, and too many memories came at me at once. I could no longer see my home without seeing Tanner. I could no longer breathe without breathing in Tanner. I could no longer bleed without bleeding for Tanner.
Each heartbeat was his as well as my own.
When we pulled up to the small chapel, I let the driver open the door and escort me inside. Candles were still lit, illuminating the dark room. I reached out to the old stone walls and smiled. I always felt safer here. At peace.
Free.
I let the rows of candles lead me along the aisle and down the stairs until I reached the place I knew Luis would be. As always, he was hunched over his books. “Adelita?” I’d shocked him. He glanced at the clock on his wall. “You’re here late.”