very ugly medieval place and he took great delight in torturing me. He would then initiate sex as if expecting me to be grateful. When I didn’t do as he ordered—killing small animals—the tortures got worse.”
Blue pushed his nose into her and rubbed, a soft chuffing of inquiry repeated over and over until she finally blinked, pulling herself back from the past to look up at him. “I wish I could say things got better, but they didn’t for a long, long time. No matter what he did to me, pain, humiliation, and he did it all. Stripping me in front of his class and teaching them whip techniques and quite a few other instruments of torture. He would have sex with me during and after. All the while he told me it would stop if I just obeyed him and killed whatever it was he had there. Sometimes an animal, sometimes a human. Once a mage. I refused.”
Julija looked down at her hands. “I knew, even if I did as he wanted, as my father wanted, it wouldn’t end. It was never going to end. Barnabas derived pleasure from my suffering. So did my father and brothers and especially my stepmother. It was a very ugly time in my life that lasted for several years.”
“Sívamet.” He gave her the endearment gently. His heart dropped. Clenched. His gut twisted. Knotted. His lifemate had been tortured and abused. Used for several years in order to get her to comply with her father’s demands.
She shook her head. “I can never be your heart. Not ever. I did things that were so wrong. I might not have had a choice, but eventually, the body is taught to respond automatically. I was ashamed of my reactions. I hated myself for years.” She looked away from him. “You secluded yourself in a monastery because you believed suiciding was wrong and cowardly. I realize that is your personal belief and you don’t visit it on others, but the fact remains, you don’t believe in it, and I did contemplate ending my life.”
She fell silent, her head bowed as if he would condemn her.
“You think that I would judge you? That I would somehow sit in judgment on you because you were kidnapped and tortured over and over with no hope of escaping? No father to protect you? No lifemate to free you?”
The tip of her tongue moistened her dry lips. “I told you. There were times when my body cooperated.” It was a confession, nothing less, and she couldn’t look at him. “My brain screamed no, but . . .”
“Julija, you are in no way to blame for the vile crimes committed against you. It is a wonder you were able to have sex with me.”
“I crave sex all the time,” she admitted softly, color creeping up her neck to stain her face. “I burn night and day. I knew you were my lifemate and you couldn’t harm me, so it was safe to enjoy myself. But then I felt as if I was using you.” She mumbled the last, still unable to look at him.
Isai waited in silence. It took her a long while before she raised her gaze to his. “You are blameless in this matter, Julija. Entirely blameless.”
“Barnabas terrifies me. He will come around, and every time he does, he tries to get me to come to him. He casts his net, but I was able to build a resistance. Still, he terrifies me on many levels.”
“I am here now. This man will not get to you again.”
Her eyes met his and he saw stark fear there. “Barnabas is invincible. With my father’s backing, he is even more so. We don’t want him to catch up with us. We just have to find the book and return it to the prince or find somewhere safe for it if we can’t destroy it.”
He wasn’t going to argue with her. That wasn’t his way. He understood her much better now that he knew what had transpired. She didn’t trust with good reason.
“There’s something else. Since I’m telling you everything, I may as well let you know, he didn’t leave me without scars. He wanted me to always know who I belonged to.”
“I have seen your body.”
She shook her head, one hand going defensively to her throat, as if she could protect herself from the rip of Sergey’s talon, or any other damage another chose to inflict on her.