know that all I’m doing is telling you as close to what he says as I can manage.”
“Uh, okay.” I went to squat in front of Andrew, putting us on an even field. “I hope you’ve been well,” I said, making sure he could read my lips.
His hands moved, his translator talked. “Pretty good. Having Lisa here is a huge help. She helps me keep my temper in check.”
“That’s awesome, Andrew,” I said, meaning it. Javi would be so pleased.
Andrew’s brow wrinkled as he signed. “Where’s Javi? Is he okay?”
“I hope so.” It didn’t seem right to lie to Andrew, but he was a kid, and I couldn’t tell him all of what was going on.
He looked pensive, and then signed something else. “If he isn’t okay, promise me you’ll help him get better. He always looks out for me. Could you look out for him?”
Oomph. “Yes. I’ll help him and look out for him. I promise.”
What I didn’t add was if he’ll ever forgive me.
There was a definite nip to the air. I picked up Giuliana from her blanket on the grass and put on the sweater I’d brought her. She wriggled and fussed and made it as hard as possible. “Don’t you start, too,” I said to her. “I need you on my side.”
“I’m on your side,” Christian said. He was sprawled on the bench next to me. Usually he was dressed with crisp perfection, but I had to admit… he was looking off. There were bags under his eyes, and his shirt was wrinkled and untucked.
“You’re beside me,” I teased, knowing it would fall flat. “That’s not the same thing.”
“You’re a fucking riot,” Christian retorted in a bored drawl. “But I’m glad you invited me to the park. I needed the sunshine and some Giuliana in my life.”
Giuliana was back on her blanket and learning to get on hands and knees, rocking back and forth. I knew she was building the muscles that would help her crawl. Soon I’d need to babyproof the house, something that felt daunting and impossible while I was so consumed with thoughts of Javi.
It occurred to me, though, as sunlight warmed my cheeks and kissed my exposed arms, that only weeks before that train of thought would have caused me to spiral into a mess, judging my own parenting and finding me wanting. I’d wanted to run from Javi, because I needed to babyproof! I needed to want to babyproof! If I didn’t, I must be a horrible father, and could allow no other distractions in my life until I was the perfect father!
But the truth was, sometimes my kid ate grass. And not getting excited about complicated gadgets that were supposed to keep her safe and secure was okay. And I really, really missed Javi. His absence in our life was becoming tangible, and I couldn’t stand it.
“I didn’t want to be in the house today. I’d just spend the whole time watching Javi’s driveway and hating that he still isn’t home.”
“Ouch,” Christian said, sitting up a little. “It’s that bad?”
“It’s fucking terrible,” I admitted. Wanting a distraction, I shifted toward him. “What about you and Dane? I haven’t seen the two of you together in a while, and at the party—”
“Oh, Dane’s being Dane,” Christian replied, cutting me off. Whatever that meant. Before I could press him, Christian pulled the same tactic on me. “Tell me what happened. On the phone you just said the two of you were having a fight.”
I sighed and watched Giuliana pick up her rattles, one in each chubby fist, and proceed to shake them, giggling at the sounds they made.
“I knew I needed to do something about Kyle—his harassment was making everything more overwhelming than it needed to be. I wasn’t...I wasn’t very nice to Javi because I got consumed by it. I asked him for some space. Javi’s so...he looks so tough, but he can be really sensitive, too. And you know Kyle—he mows down anything in his way.”
“Damned straight,” Christian said.
“But when I met Kyle at a coffee shop to lay it down and threaten legal measures if he didn’t stop harassing me and everyone I know, he tried to win me over by telling me how much he loved me. How much of a mistake he’d made. He grabbed my face, probably thinking he could change my mind with a kiss. And of course, of all the times to walk by the coffee shop—”
“No,” Christian gasped. “You’re kidding me. Javi saw