in his eyes, and I didn’t think they were just for show.
“I’ve never lost anything before,” Kyle admitted. “But I’ve been seeing this therapist. You told me I needed one years and years ago, and I should have listened. He’s helped me to see how selfish and childish I was when I left you. I just… at the end of the day, it’s always been you for me, Gordo. And I’ve wronged you and Giuliana, but God, I love you so fucking much it hurts.”
Some of the ice in me thawed. When Kyle was being authentic, he was charismatic and addictive. It’s why I’d stayed in love with him for six years of marriage. Knowing he was seeing a therapist was huge, too. He’d always refused before, but this sounded like he was actually making some steps in the right direction.
When I didn’t say anything, Kyle must have taken it as an opportunity. He leaned across the table and cupped my face between his hands. “I can be in this for the long haul. I can love you and her forever. I want to.”
My eyes closed, shutting me away from the familiar feel of his skin on mind. My heart was breaking because ultimately, villainous behavior or not, Kyle had been my husband. And in a way, without him, I’d never have Giuliana. It had been his prompting about a baby that had started my journey into being a parent. For that I would always owe a debt of gratitude to him.
But things were too broken to repair. Too little, too late. And I didn’t want to, even if I could, because all I wanted was Javi.
I started to tell Kyle that this was our last goodbye, but a noise stopped me. It was a familiar voice, just outside the window of the coffee house we were seated near.
Reagan. And he was yelling, “Javi! Javi! Stop!”
Jerking out of Kyle’s reach, I stared in horror out the window. Reagan was shouting after a familiar back, running away from us. My heart lurched into my throat, and I thought I was going to be sick. Javi.
I launched out of my seat and ran out of the shop, but Javi was so far away. When I turned to Reagan, the words I wanted to say dried up before they could come out. Because Reagan was glaring at me like he was going to murder me where I stood.
24
Javi
The pain. Oh, God, the fucking pain I was feeling. What had I just seen? How… how could he do this to me? It was one thing for him to ask for space, but meeting up with Kyle and looking so, so comfortable with him? It eviscerated me, and so I ran without purpose, other than to put distance between me and what I’d seen.
Stupid. I’d been so fucking stupid for thinking that I could have something with Gordo. That the way he said he felt about me had been real. I’d known better than to believe someone could love me like that, and I should never have forgotten it.
“Javi!” Gordo’s voice sliced through the haze, but I didn't stop. It was like I was the same lost little boy again that I’d been so many years ago. Rejected, kicked to the curb. Unwanted and abandoned.
When a hand grabbed at my elbow, I knew Gordo had caught up to me. “Wait! Please! Just listen to me, Javi.”
There were more footsteps, and I saw Reagan and Kyle running toward us. My body seized, the stress like ropes tightening all around me until I was too constricted to breathe. “D-d-don’t you d-dare t-try to t-tell me I d-d-didn’t—”
But I couldn’t finish. My mouth was no longer my own. It was useless, my words trapped inside of me to fester. Would I ever be able to just say what I needed to?
Laughter, unexpected and cruel, rang out. Kyle pointed, “Oh, Jesus, Gordo. I thought you’d left me for a thug, but you actually just left me for some stupid reta—”
I didn’t even know I was moving before I felt the crack of Kyle’s jaw under my fist. My heart, black and smoldering, rejoiced at the whumph of his body hitting the ground. I jumped on him, fists raining down, my hurt wielding my body like a puppet. Or a weapon.
Strong hands pulled me off. I was wild then, thrashing to get to Kyle.
“Javi!” Reagan shouted. “Javi! Stop, for Chrissakes!” He shook me hard, hard enough I bit my tongue,