dad. I could imagine him tossing the football with Quinn in thirteen years.
When he sat down, he sat down close to me. I scooted away just slightly, not enough for him to notice, a streak of guilt passing through me. As soon as Richard and I had set up a meeting time and place, I’d been chewing on guilt. I gnawed at it and it gnawed at me, a back and forth that I couldn’t quite get figured out. Part of me felt like I had nothing to feel ashamed of. I was allowed to meet other dads and have playdates, after all. But that hadn’t been the real issue.
The real issue was that I missed Javi. Desperately. I’d found myself spending nights waiting for his truck to park in his driveway, unable to rest until I knew he was home. I’d picked up my phone a hundred times to text or call, but each time, I remembered what an asshole I’d been to him and how I needed to let him have his space. But I missed him so deeply, it ached in my chest all of the time. What was he thinking about? How much time would he need?
“What are you thinking about?” Richard asked, pulling me back to the present.
“Oh, just about how hard it is to date with a kid. I feel like I second-guess everything.”
“Ah, yeah.” Richard ran a thumb around the lip of his coffee cup. “It was hard for me to get back into dating after Quinn. Like, what if I turned into a bad dad because I was so consumed with someone else?”
“Yes!” I sat up too quickly and coffee sloshed over my hand, sending burning rivulets cascading down the skin, but I didn’t pay attention to that. “That’s exactly it! I feel guilty when I spend so much time thinking about someone who isn’t Giuliana. Isn’t she supposed to be my world?”
Richard laughed. “I think she can be you world, and you can still be involved with someone else. It feels more like parallel worlds to me, you know? You cross over them, but each is its own thing. Your love for her is safe, and I can tell by watching you that you’re a good dad.”
“It rarely feels like it,” I admitted.
“I get it. Trust me, I do. It’s hard to find other men who understand. It’s all so..plicated.”
Complicated seemed like a nice word for something that caused me so much angst. The thing was, there had been a time when it hadn’t felt so hard. When I hadn’t been worried about everything I did for Giuliana. And that had been when Javi had been there with us.
I thought about all the times Javi had managed to do or say the right thing, and about how he’d simply stepped in and helped with her whenever I’d needed it. Javi never judged me or questioned my parenting. Richard had said it was hard to find someone who understood...but I already had found someone.
Richard’s hand went to my knee, and I stiffened. “I’m glad we connected, Gordo,” he said, leaning close.
I could smell the coffee on his breath and the mint of his aftershave. I knew then that he was going to try to kiss me. I didn’t waste a second before scooting back. God, I’d been so stupid.
“I’m sorry, Richard. It was really great talking with you, but you know that parallel universe? I’ve got to go save the one that might be mine.” Quickly, I tucked Giuliana’s things into the diaper bag and scooped her up. “Come on, Little Miss G, we gotta go get Javi back.”
Giuliana squealed and clapped her hands like she knew what I was saying. If ever there was a sign that I was making the right decision, it was that.
Javi’s truck was in his driveway, and I pulled in right behind it. It was selfish, but I didn’t want him to run from me until I’d spoken my piece. Giuliana was thrilled to be out of the car seat, reaching up to tug at my ear as I raced us up the steps to his front door.
I knocked hard and loud, thinking about that first night, when the music had been loud enough to feel in my teeth and anger had made me feel wild. Then, I’d hoped to set into a rude neighbor. Now, I just prayed that neighbor would let me in.
The door opened, and Javi looked surprised to see us. But what