dad with allowing myself something that I really, really wanted.
Someone I really wanted.
Javi stood awkwardly at the end of the booth. At least it's a large one, I thought as I scooted over as far as I could to make room for him without meeting his eyes. My tummy did a flip as he sat down next to me.
“I s...s-s-see now why you wanted to c-come here,” Javi said to Dane, who shrugged.
“Don’t hate,” Dane said, his smile effortless.
He was a good-looking guy, with brown hair and gray eyes that seemed to light up with every joke. I thought Javi was covered in tattoos, but Dane was covered. They crept up his neck, his palms were inked, and he even had a small tattoo on his cheek. Sitting next to my straight-laced, always serious and pristine doctor friend, I had a hard time reconciling the differences.
Of course, the same could be said about Javi and me.
I tucked my elbows in tight as I drank more beer, too afraid of accidentally touching Javi to let myself relax. I knew I was being a baby, and I was okay with it. I just needed a chill night without any fights. “So Christian, this is the person you’ve been seeing? How on earth did that happen?”
“It happened when Dane pretended to sprain an ankle at the relay race. He didn’t know I was a doctor, he just wanted my attention,” Christian said, brushing his black hair out of his eyes. “But by the time I figured out he’s a big liar, he already had my phone number.”
“Whoa, whoa,” Dane said, face contorted in a caricature of innocence, “liar is a bit harsh. I simply bent reality in an effort to get to know you.”
“B-bent reality?” Javi asked incredulously. “Are you f-f-fucking me?”
“Nope,” Dane said, pouting at Javi. The pout quickly shifted into a shit-eating grin. “I’m fucking him.”
After his joke, Dane placed a whopper of a kiss on Christian. They were so comfortable together, and again I felt the pang of wanting. I’d had that with Kyle. Six years of marriage, and we’d been in sync, able to joke and read each other’s moods with ease for most of it.
I want him back, was the first thought, followed by a wave of nausea. No. I never wanted Kyle back. Some actions came with irreparable consequences. But I knew that I’d been lying to myself when I told myself I was happy with just Giuliana, so convincing that I had been able to ignore my needs for months.
And I was thrilled with her. Ecstatic and fulfilled. And I was still lonely as hell.
It was then that I risked a look at Javi. He was staring at the bar, good-naturedly ignoring the PDA across from us that was moving into PG-13 territory. The low lights were flattering for his brown skin, showing how flawless it was. His tattoos were shadowed accents that played off the sharp lines of jaw, shoulder, collarbone. My mouth felt dry despite the beer I’d drank too quickly.
Javi was so unbelievably attractive. Magnetic in a way even Kyle hadn’t been. Kyle had been a cautious college fling turned boyfriend turned husband. Even-paced and controlled. Javi made my control crumble. He obliterated it by managing to seem tough and assured while emanating a gentle vulnerability that made me ache for more.
My fists tightened under the table, palms suddenly sweaty and dots populating my vision. It was too much to consider, too fast. Probably the beer. I clearly cannot be trusted with alcohol. Although I was a far cry from drunk, I latched onto the explanation and asked Christian about something at work to distract myself.
Dane cracked a joke and we all laughed.
I wasn’t quite ready to contemplate a future with more. It was too overwhelming. But I could consider trying harder to be in the present, to stop pushing away possibilities.
When Javi’s arm brushed mine, I didn’t cringe.
Giuliana was giggling. Like actually, for real, giggling. It was high-pitched and bubbly and incredibly infectious. It made my chest swell with warmth.
We were lying on a blanket in the backyard. Despite having gone out with Christian the night before, I had stopped after one beer. So after a beautiful, much needed eight full hours of sleep, I’d grabbed my daughter from my brother’s and came home, determined to spend quality time with her without worries of work (or anyone else) interrupting us.
It was hot, but there was enough tree shade to keep us covered