action. If this were any other man, I’d be grabbing his shirt and pulling him in for a kiss. But this was my neighbor, and someone I was supposed to collaborate with for the center. That center was a sacred space, and if I fucked things up with Gordo, I’d have nowhere safe to hide.
Gordo looked at my mouth with hunger in his brown eyes. I gulped. I should let go of him. I should step away before he had a chance to tear down any more of my walls that he didn’t even realize were there, before I let him wreak havoc on the safe life I’d crafted for myself. A life where romance and relationships had no place.
Instead I was frozen, and Gordo was leaning in, his mouth parted, and I knew he was going to kiss me.
I realized I was going to let him.
Then just before our mouths met, Gordo lurched to the side, bending hard at the waist—and proceeded to vomit all over my pants and shoes.
7
Gordo
Oh, God, my mouth tasted awful. Thick and sticky and sour. It tasted like regret. When I looked at my phone, I almost heaved out of surprise (or possibly from the raging hangover that already pressed into my brain). It was after ten in the morning. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d slept past five in the morning. Wait, no, I could—it was before Giuliana.
Jesus, what kind of parent leaves their child with their brother for the night to go get wasted? Assholes who didn’t deserve to be parents, that’s who. And I was her only parent, which made me feel about a hundred times worse. I didn’t deserve her.
My body seemed to go on alert then, aware on a cellular level that she wasn’t in the house. It was as if her absence tugged at me and demanded I bring her close immediately. But she was at my brother’s house, and I wouldn’t be able to see her yet, which needed to change. I called my sister-in-law.
“Hello, Dad-of-the-Year!” Dana sang out, way too happily.
Her cheerful voice blasted through the phone, and my pounding head was not prepared. I groaned. She didn’t wait for me to get my feet under me before continuing.
“Well, I heard all about your good time last night.” Dana giggled, and I started to worry. My memories of the night were fuzzy at best—really, they were basically nonexistent. “Giuliana is doing great. We’ve been snuggling and playing with Mr. Caterpillar; Mason got her a new toy, he’s going to spoil your daughter. She’ll go down for a nap in an hour, and you can pick her up an hour after that, okay?”
Dana always did manage to bust Mason’s and my chops while being generous and comforting at the same time. Neither of us deserved her.
“Okay. Sounds good.” My voice was more a croak than human language. “Thanks for taking care of her.”
The sigh I received was heavy with joy. “Any time, Gordo. Giuliana is a dream of a baby.”
“See you soon.”
Sure, she’s a great baby. Which is why I can’t believe I’m messing so much of this up. How did I not know being a father would be so unbelievably hard?
“Drink some water,” Dana said before hanging up.
I rolled onto my back. My mouth wasn’t the only thing that felt gross—I was still in last night’s clothes, apparently. My sheets felt damp with sweat and smelled like the gin I’d too freely imbibed at the club.
Mason had said I needed a night out, some time to not be a dad. Or, at least, I think he meant I needed some time to not feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. As if Giuliana were a heft I could set aside at any time to catch a breather. As if I could set her, with her gorgeous cheeks and heavenly baby smell, aside. As if I’d want to. The thought made me queasy.
I’d told Mason that I was always a dad now, but then admitted that I could use some time away from the constant pressure of taking care of Giuliana on my own while also starting my freelance business. That was all the leeway he’d needed to suggest a night at the gay bar, not even hiding the fact that he and Dana must have decided I needed a new man in my life.
If only I could explain to them that dating wouldn’t make things easier—it would make everything exponentially harder.