Cruel Kisses (It's Just High School #2) - Thandiwe Mpofu Page 0,36
marriage contract ready for you.”
Ah fuck.
8
Where do you go when you’re alone, filled with so much fear, confusion and guilt?
Where do you go when there’s a gaping hole in the middle of your chest, widening with each mile away from the woman who died right in front of your eyes while you did nothing about it?
I feel cold, so damn cold and numb. I don’t know if I should let the scream lodged in my throat out or not.
I don’t know why I’m not breaking apart, bawling my eyes out. Isn’t that what people do with grief? Try to let it out so it doesn’t consume them from within?
But what do you do when everything feels surreal? What do you do with this mess? It’s all been lies and deceit from the start, and now, Nancy is dead.
I grip the steering wheel of the car dad bought me when I believed he was a good man. Back then I refused to see the monster that lurked within, but it was always there I glance at the rearview mirror for the tenth time since I left Palos Verdes, but I’m alone.
I have no idea where I’m going or what I’m going to do next. There’s a hollowness in my chest and the tighter I hold the steering wheel, the tighter the constriction in my chest gets.
I feel like I’m about to get a panic attack.
Pulling over on the side of the road, a scream of frustration tears out of me. I punch the steering wheel, my heart beating wildly like it wants out of my chest. I start clawing there as the numbness fades like the melting of ice until I start feeling… everything.
Clenching my eyes shut, I see Nancy’s body spasming out of control. I see her gasping for breath. I see her with her eyes wide open, staring at me, pleading for help.
And I did nothing.
“Ahh!” I punch the steering wheel again, making pain shoot up my arm. I welcome it though, a quick reprieve to the pain inside me.
I did absolutely nothing. I just stood there as she died.
With sweaty fingers, I grab handle and open the door and practically throw myself out. I can’t stand to be in this car a second longer.
I can’t breathe.
I don’t even know where I am. I claw at my chest some more, feeling like there’s something pressing down there that I need to loosen by any means possible.
My vision is swarming like I’m having some kind of attack. I lie of the hard, rocky ground, panting for breath. There’s a burning sensation in my stomach though, like some kind of acid is brewing in there but I clamp my mouth shut, refusing to take that next step or letting another scream rip out of me.
Anger is the best right now. I have to hold on to anger. But the thing about me, I’ve never been good with emotions. I don’t know how to process them. I don’t know which is which.
Sometimes anger feels a lot like a chilling coldness that freezes my veins. Resentment is numb. And love? Well, that’s a lying emotion. I guess Roxy was right; love was a meaningless emotion, felt by meaningless people with nowhere meaningful to go. The only thing she didn’t mention was how that meaningless emotion hurts—not that I’d expect her to have a reference point, she wasn’t the loving kind.
And I thought I wasn’t either, but as soon as I close my eyes, I see Julian’s gorgeous face and my heart starts hurting all over again.
I have no idea how long I stay lying there, staring up at the dusky twilight morning sky, rocks and stones biting into my back. It might have days, or hours but I know it’s more like a few minutes of dizzying pain.
After the thing in my chest starts hurting less, I force myself to get up. I don’t want to lie here for long. It’ll just draw unwanted attention to myself. I need to move, or the guilt will swallow me whole—and at this rate, I might let it.
I need to come up with a plan on where to go next. But more than that, I need to know why.
Why did Nicky make me do this?
What is she afraid of?
What did she mean about my father?
What am I missing?
What other secrets are lurking in the dark?
What about Liam and Julian? Where they in on everything?
With that in mind, I quickly get in the car and grab the