A Crown Of Fire And Wrath (The Shadow Walkers Saga #5) - Sloane Murphy Page 0,13
as Amantara. She and I are so different, and yet, the same. It’s like watching a movie of someone else’s life, and while I know I’m going to need to reconcile with my memories at some point—and figure out where the fuck I go from here, who the fuck I am now—that is not my focus right now.
I push it all back, glad that whatever Michael did worked, but also still kind of terrified it broke him. I try to rouse him again and his eyes flutter, it takes a second, but his eyes open and focus on my face.
“Little bird? Are you okay?” His voice is gravelly with sleep, as he rubs his temple and pushes himself to sit up and face me. He scours every inch of me with a look, as if searching for some sort of wound or injury. I’m sure it won’t take him long to realize the only place I’m broken right now are the places he can’t see.
“I’m…” I shake my head. I can’t bring myself to lie and say I’m okay. Because I’m not. Even without looking inside myself too far, I know I’m not okay. But I’m also not about to deal with that right now when he might be hurt. I swallow the lump in my throat and attempt to speak again. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, little bird. That block you put on your memories just took a lot out of me to shatter. Whoever built it, they knew what they were doing. I almost thought I wouldn’t be able to get through.” He runs a hand through his hair and then down his face, as if trying to wake himself back up. Looking out of the window he sighs. “We’ve only been out about an hour or so. We haven’t lost much time, which is surprising. How are you doing? Really.”
He looks at me like he can see inside of me again. And I guess he kind of can. I don’t know how much he saw when he lifted the block, and I don’t want to ask. Vulnerable isn’t a setting I work well in.
“I’ll be okay,” I tell him with a small shrug, and tuck my hair behind my ear.
“You always used to do that when you lied to me.” He smiles sadly at me, and I look down at my hands in my lap. “But you will be okay. If I can help, I will. You know that, little bird. I will always be here for you. No matter what the others might think.”
“Thank you,” I whisper, a stray tear running down my face. “I’m glad you’re okay.”
He shifts towards me and pulls me into his lap, as he’s done so many times before. He wraps his arms around me and just holds me, being a safe space, a space of no judgment, where I can break a little.
I don’t let it go on too long. Just long enough that I can get myself together, then push my emotions all the fucking way down until I’m ready to deal with them. Which is not right now. My memories are there, but the emotions that come with them, they’re going the fuck back away. Right now, I just need the facts of my past. The information that comes from remembering. Everything else can wait.
“So, what time are the council expecting us?” I ask him as I move myself back beside him, trying not to feel guilty about taking comfort from him, when my guys are probably still losing their shit back home. “And when can I go home?”
I ask the question, more from respect than anything. I know I need to see the council, face some of my past, but I’m going home after. They can try to keep me here, but they have no real idea of what I can do. Even Michael has no real idea, and that’s without the extra pit of darkness I can feel inside myself from when I awoke in the Shadow Realm. It feels unnatural, like a black oily slick inside of myself, but it still feels like me.
My mind whirs at everything it’s trying to take back in, as Michael watches me, pondering his own words. I take a deep breath and slow my mind as I wait for him to speak.
“They’re expecting us tonight. I wanted to give you more time.”
“Okay, so after that, I can leave?” I put it to him as a question, because I know he