noise and curled into myself. He jumped off my lap and onto the floor, head cocked, and eyes focused on me. The tears poured down my cheeks over the guilt that surfaced hard and heavy in my chest.
Reaching for my phone, I dialed the first person I could think of that wouldn’t look differently at me if I admitted what I’d done with details I’d held back. “I need you to come over.”
Instantly, my best friend said, “On my way, Del.”
I wasn’t sure how long it took, but the knock on my door had me shakily walk over and look through the peephole to see my best friend’s short hair and worried eyes. I opened the door and was instantly wrapped in two arms and the lemon drop scent that was all Lawrence McKinley.
Blowing out a breath into his chest, he guided us inside and kicked the door shut behind him. As soon as he asked those three little words, I broke all over again. “Are you okay?”
I wasn’t. I was far from it. I couldn’t get those words out as I cried into him. He shushed me, rubbing my back, brushing a hand through my hair as he walked us over to the couch and held me close to his side when I drowned his cotton tee with my tears.
It felt like forever had passed before I was able to collect myself enough to speak. I spoke the words into his chest, feeling his arm tighten around me in comfort. “It’s my fault.”
He brushed hair out of my face. “What’s your fault?” Gently, he moved me away to look me in the eyes, examining my puffy, red face with a frown before swiping his thumbs over my cheeks. “Hey. Talk to me.”
Trying to swallow the emotion rising in me, I blinked away the tears until I was able to see him clearer. “Kat is dead, Ren. She was…” His eyes widened as I drew in a breath. “She overdosed sometime this morning.”
“Holy sh—” He shook his head and hugged me again, letting us stay like that for a few long beats. From over my shoulder, he murmured, “I don’t see how that’s your fault. Just because you saw her and argued doesn’t mean anything. Okay?”
My hands fell from where they rested on his back. “I gave her the drugs.”
His entire body jerked away from me, surprise flickering all over his face. Lips parting, he blinked once, twice, a third time. “Come again?”
I palmed my eyes, drawing my knees up to my chest and burying my face into them. Taking a deep breath, I did my best to explain. He’d understand. He wouldn’t judge me or bullshit me if he knew I messed up. “Kat called me crying, so I went to Divers where she was at the bar. The bartender kept looking at her weird and I could see why. Her eyes, Ren, they were so red and puffy and off, she wasn’t acting right.”
“She was high.”
“Or withdrawing.”
Ren frowned.
Daring to look at him again, I sat back on the cushion and squeezed my legs. “A while back, she’d invited me to her place. Sam and Gina were there too. They’d all been drinking. Then one of them pulled out something from their purse and it was pretty obvious what it was. Gina made a line on the coffee table and started…snorting it, and Sam and Kat were trying to get me to let loose.” His jaw ticked before he opened his mouth to ask the obvious question on his mind, but I shook my head. “I didn’t do it. I told them I was leaving because I didn’t want to be part of that. Kat wasn’t herself then, saying she’d done it a few times before and that I’d like it. That I’d…lose weight if I did it.
“She gave me some and I kept it. I don’t know why I did it, Ren, but I did. Maybe even thought about using it a few times. Until I forgot. Until I found other ways to cope when I was having bad days and wanted to… It doesn’t matter. Anyway, she kept asking me about it when I met her at Divers and that was when I realized it was still in my purse. I didn’t have to give it back to her, but I did.”
Ren swore again. Something he didn’t do often unless it was justified. If now wasn’t one of the times I wasn’t sure what was. “You can’t