your brother interfered with their investigation. You’re going to have to answer to OPR on that. This will be your third time in three years in front of them. I think you need to be prepared for the worst.”
“Honestly, ma’am, I’ve already faced the worst.”
Rachel rubbed her eyes. “I know. For what it’s worth, you don’t have to be in D.C. until Friday. They’ve asked for all your records. Abigail has been talking to some people who have verbally praised your work and asked for a written letter, without saying why. We already have glowing letters from several local law enforcement and she expects more. The head of SAPD SWAT during the hostage situation last year is sending one, and of course the DEA has sent multiple letters over the last two years, every time you’ve helped. I don’t know if the positive commentary is going to sway them, but I hope it does.”
“Thank you,” Lucy said, surprised.
“This wasn’t an easy decision for me, to be honest. Losing both you and Nate for the next two weeks is going to be hard. But … take the time to heal. I know these last few days have been hell.”
* * *
Sean half listened to Kane and Jack tell their tale of Mexico. It sounded interesting, but he was still having a difficult time coming to terms with everything that had happened. He still felt like he was trapped. Even though he was here, at home, with his family and his dog, he felt like he was suffocating. Or in limbo. Definitely not himself.
“Sean,” Kane said.
“Hmm?”
“Talk.”
“Nothing.”
“It’s not nothing. You hurting?”
“No.” General soreness, cracked ribs, and he still had some bruises that smarted, but he wasn’t in pain.
Jack walked out of the sunroom, leaving Sean with his brother. Sean still didn’t want to talk about everything that had happened. He stared out the window at the pool. Someone had turned on the waterfall, but Sean really wasn’t focused on anything. Bandit was at his feet; his dog hadn’t left his side since he came home.
Kane stared at him. “What did he say that has you so twisted inside?”
How did Kane know?
“It’s called psychological warfare, Sean.”
“It goes back to my deepest fear. That I don’t deserve Lucy. That she would be happier—safer—with someone else.”
“Oh for shit’s sake.”
Kane would never understand. And Sean wasn’t quite ready to talk about the sound of rodents, the fear of being trapped, helpless.
“Do you think that I deserve Siobhan? I can tell you flat-out that I know she’d be safer without me in her life. Does that make me selfish? Maybe it does. Because I pushed her away time and time again because I was worried that I’d get her killed. But dammit, I know she’s happy with me. Safety. That’s just bullshit. Who the fuck is ever truly safe? We either live big or die small. I see how Lucy looks at you and I know that she loves you. And that is all that fucking matters. She loves you, she’s happiest when she’s with you, end of story.”
“Colton hated me so much that he helped Paxton set this all up. He really hated me. I’ve never felt it so strongly … and it was my fault. I hurt him, and I knew I would hurt him, and I did it anyway. To save my own ass, to save my relationship with Lucy.”
“Sean, I’ve done things I wish I’d done differently. But you can’t live in the past with constant regrets. You learn from your mistakes and move on. Colton was no saint, either.”
Sean heard Lucy come in through the garage, heard Jack tell her that he was in the sun room. She walked in and Kane stood up. “Talk to your husband,” he said and left.
Lucy sat next to him on the couch and kissed him. “What’s wrong?”
He didn’t want to talk about it. “What happened at work?”
“Two weeks unpaid vacation,” she said, trying to make light of it. “And we get to visit Patrick and Dillon and everyone in D.C. this weekend.”
“OPR?”
“It’ll be fine.”
“What if it’s not?”
“Then it’s not.”
“How can you be okay with this? You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I’m okay. Nate’s okay. But you’re not. Talk to me.”
He didn’t say anything for a long minute. He just held her, the woman he had loved from the day they met. “Mona Hill’s murder and the jailbreak and killing the guard wasn’t enough. Paxton didn’t know if all that would destroy me or make you think that