Cold Days (The Dresden Files #14) - Jim Butcher Page 0,219

the past day that . . . concern me.”

“Concern you.”

“They scare the holy loving fuck out of me,” she said calmly, by way of clarification. “This Winter Knight thing. You’re not changing. You’ve already changed.”

I felt a little chill. “What do you mean? Tonight? Hell, Karrin, when haven’t we done monsters and mayhem?”

“We’ve done it a lot,” she said. “But you’ve always been scared of it before. You did it anyway, but you thought it was scary. That’s the sane thing to think.”

“So?” I asked. “What was different about it tonight?”

“The way your erection kept pressing into my back,” she said wryly.

“Uh,” I said. “Really?”

“Yeah, a woman kind of notices.”

I hadn’t.

Gulp.

“It’s just . . . Karrin, look, that thing hardly ever does something that isn’t ill-advised. Doesn’t mean it’s going to make the calls.”

“I will never understand why men do that,” she said.

“Do what?”

“Talk about their genitals like they’re some other creature. Some kind of mind-controlling parasite.” She shook her head. “It’s just you, Harry. It’s all you. And part of you was really loving everything that was going on.”

“And that’s bad?” I asked.

“Yes,” she said. Then she made a short, frustrated sound. “No. Maybe. It’s a change.”

“Do changes have to be bad?”

“Of course not. But I don’t know if this one is bad or not yet,” she said. “Harry . . . you are the strongest man I know, in more than one sense of the word. And because you are . . . it means that if you do change . . .”

“You think I’d be some kind of monster,” I said.

She shrugged, and squeezed my hands with hers. “I’m not saying this right. It’s not coming out right. But I felt you, when we were with the Hunt. I knew what was driving you, what you were feeling. And in the moment, I was down with it—and that scares me, too.”

“So am I too much of a monster or are you?” I asked. “I’m getting confused.”

“Join the club,” she said.

“You’re saying that the problem is, you think I could go bad,” I said.

“I know you could,” she said. “Anyone can. And you’ve got more opportunity than most. And maybe you shouldn’t be rocking your emotional boat right now. When Susan broke your heart, right after she was changed? You went into a downward spiral. If that happened now, with the kinds of things you’re facing . . . Harry, I’m afraid you might not be able to pull out of it.”

That much sure as hell was true. “You aren’t wrong,” I said. “But we haven’t even gone on a date yet and you’ve already skipped ahead to the ugly breakup?”

“There are factors,” she repeated in a firm, steady voice.

“Like what?” I asked.

“Like this thing with Molly,” Karrin said.

“There’s no thing with Molly,” I said. “There’s never going to be a thing with Molly.”

She sighed. “You’re a wizard. She’s a wizard. Now you’re the Winter Knight. And she’s the Winter Lady.”

“Karrin,” I began.

“And I’m going to get old and die soon,” Karrin said very, very quietly. “Relatively soon. But you’re going to keep going for centuries. And so is she. The two of you are close—and even if nothing ever happens . . . it’s one more thing. You know?”

We held hands and the fire crackled.

“Oh,” I said.

She nodded.

“So there are things stacked against us,” I said. “What else is new?”

“You are the captain of disaster in the supernatural world,” she acknowledged. “But I’m the one who has repeatedly taken relationships into icebergs. I’ve done it enough to know that you and I are the Titanic.”

“We’re people,” I said. “Not some fucking ship.”

“We’re also people,” she said. “A kiss when we’re both ramped up on adrenaline is one thing. A relationship is harder. A lot harder.” She shook her head. “If it ends in tears, I’m afraid it could destroy us both. And there’s a lot on the line right now. I don’t think this is something we should rush into. I need time to think. To . . . I just need time.”

I swallowed. She still wasn’t wrong. I didn’t like what she had to say, not one bit, but . . .

She wasn’t wrong.

“Is this where you tell me we need to be friends?” I asked.

She blinked and looked up at me. She touched my face with her fingertips. “Harry, we’re . . . We went past that a long time ago. I don’t know if we can . . . if we should be lovers.