I might, I knew I didn’t sound convincing. “How are you?”
“Oh.” He laughed nervously. “I’m missing you, actually. The house seems really empty without you.”
Tears prickled the back of my eyes. If he wanted to know what loneliness felt like, he should try being in my position. I coughed and said, “You’ll be fine, Tom.” I knew he would be. He’d always make sure he was.
“I just wondered . . . Do you want a divorce? You didn’t say.”
The odd thing was that although I’d thought of this since long before Harry and I decided to live together, Tom’s question now was like a punch in the stomach. I had enough to deal with, without having that as well. “Oh. I hadn’t thought of that. I suppose so.”
“Well, if we’re living separately it seems the obvious thing to do. It’s pretty clear you don’t want to be with me anymore.” There was a long pause and I had to stop myself from saying I didn’t know what I wanted. “Do you want me to file? I think you’re meant to be living apart for two years first, but people seem to move much faster than that.”
Panic flared in my stomach. “I don’t have any money for a lawyer. Can’t we sell the house first?”
There was silence and I looked at the phone screen to check we were still connected. “I could get a couple of estate agents to call round and give quotes if you want? It would make it clearer when we divide everything up, I suppose. It’s up to you, Ruby.”
I looked around the hotel room, at the pile of empty miniatures that lay on the bedside table, at the box I’d been given by Eleanor. It was so pathetic. I’d made such a mess of my life.
“What is it?” he said softly. “Hey, don’t cry, babe.”
Babe? I couldn’t remember the last time he’d called me that. At the beginning it had been his pet name for me and each time he said it I’d melted inside. It had been a long time since I’d reacted like that but that day somehow those old feelings came back. His voice sounded so kind and it reminded me of when we first got together, when he’d been gentle and loving. When I thought I was special.
“Talk to me,” he said, his voice low and urgent.
I couldn’t. I couldn’t say anything.
“Have you changed your mind? Do you want to come back?” He made it sound so easy. So enticing. “We can talk things through, Ruby. Just come home.”
“No,” I said quickly, before I could tell him to come and pick me up and never let me go again. “No. Sorry, I have to go.”
I ended the call but sat on the bed holding my phone tightly, my face wet with tears. Just for a moment I couldn’t remember why I’d left and why I couldn’t return.
CHAPTER 9
Ruby
Later that evening Sarah called me again.
“How’re things, Ruby?”
“Oh, you know. Couldn’t be worse, really.”
“Have you been drinking?”
“I’ve just been fired,” I said. “I’ve got the right to have a drink.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry. And I’m sorry I didn’t call earlier. It was hectic all day and then I was busy with the kids. This is the first chance I’ve had to talk to you. How are you feeling?”
I longed to talk to her about what had happened but I couldn’t. “Oh, okay. It was a shock, though.”
“I bet. You’ve been there for ages.”
“Eighteen months.” Long enough to think you know someone, I wanted to say. Long enough to trust him. To love him.
“What did Tom say?”
I hesitated. Of course Sarah didn’t know I’d left home. “Oh, not much. There are plenty more jobs out there.”
“He’s right.” She chatted about her day; clearly they hadn’t got anyone to replace me yet, so a lot of the work I would normally do had landed on her shoulders.
“Not the phone calls, though,” she said. “They’re going through to Paula. I don’t know why