been more frightened. She wasn’t able to come today.” I hadn’t even thought of asking her; I knew she wouldn’t have wanted to come.
“She sounds like a good friend.”
“She was the best friend I could have had,” I said, thinking of what she’d done for me. And what I’d done to her.
“I haven’t heard you mention her before. How do you know her?”
Without a moment’s hesitation I gave him my practiced speech. “Oh, we met at a yoga class.” I thought of Emma’s face, pink and earnest as she’d told me what to say. She was so insistent that there was some part of me that thought that really was how we met. “We weren’t any good, though, so we stopped going.”
Oliver looked skeptical. I’ve never exactly been the yoga type. “What will you do now?” he asked. “Now that it’s all over.”
“I don’t know.”
Suddenly all those dreams I’d had for my life seemed to crumple and die. I just couldn’t imagine what I would do. I felt I’d be traveling the world looking for salvation, or I’d live in another place and it would be just the same as this, in every significant way. I couldn’t envisage a happy time ahead, where I’d meet Josh again and talk to him about his dad without guilt overwhelming me. I couldn’t imagine I’d ever fall for anyone again. How could I trust them? And I knew that if I met someone nice, a decent guy, I should keep away from him, too. I wasn’t fit to be with anyone.
Soon people started to drift away. I noticed they went to Josh before they left rather than to me, and I was glad for him, and grateful for the reprieve. His face was red and his eyes damp; he stood in the doorway, hugging and kissing everyone as they left. It seemed that he’d become a man overnight, and had had to learn how to do that without his father’s help.
I couldn’t bear to look at him, at his grief. I went to find the manager to settle the bill, and when I returned, Josh had gone. I went out to the car park and saw Belinda driving off, Josh by her side. I wasn’t sure whether they’d seen me or not, but neither turned as I waved.
My dad came up behind me and tapped my arm. “Everything okay?”
I frowned. “It’s Josh. He’s gone off without saying good-bye.”
He looked a bit awkward. “It’s hard for him, you know. He knows you were divorcing his dad. Maybe he thinks you weren’t bothered by his death.”
I winced. If only he knew.
“He’ll be okay,” he said. “Just give him time.”
“Thank you so much for coming.” I hugged my dad hard. I meant it, too. He might be under my mum’s thumb but he was great in a crisis. “I couldn’t have done this without you.”
He squeezed me tightly. “Do you want to come home with me? You’re very welcome to.”
I shook my head. “I need to go back home.” For a moment I didn’t know whether I meant the house I’d shared with Tom or my flat, then made up my mind. “I’ll go back to my house.”
“Shall I come with you?”
I shook my head. “It’s okay, thanks. I need to do it on my own.”
CHAPTER 75
Ruby
When I left I drove round aimlessly for an hour or so, deep in thought. Finally I stopped at the car park by the lighthouse and sat outside on a bench, looking at the river. The sun was high and the wind turbines were turning. It was a peaceful scene but I’d never felt so conflicted. Seeing Josh cry had brought home to me just what I’d done. And though I’d gone over it again and again, each time I thought of the way Tom had fallen, I knew that in that moment of fury I’d wanted him to fall. Not necessarily to die, but to learn his lesson. He couldn’t treat me like that. He just couldn’t. And to goad me about the baby. He’d always known what would hurt me the most.