at least. I wondered about the staff who worked in a clinic like that. If they sent back DNA results to say that the alleged father wasn’t the father, did they wince as they e-mailed the results, knowing the damage it could cause? Were they totally unsympathetic, thinking the woman had brought it on herself?
At that thought I hastily got up and pulled on my dressing gown. I couldn’t lie there thinking about anonymous people judging me. There would be enough people I knew doing that soon enough. Downstairs I put the radio on and started to make coffee and toast for Harry. At last I wasn’t feeling sick at the smell, though I wouldn’t be able to touch it myself. He seemed preoccupied, too, and sat at the kitchen table in silence while I made a pretense of gathering everything I needed for work. I needed to go to work early today. I knew that once I had the results I would be fit for nothing.
Harry hugged me as he said good-bye and kissed my cheek. I moved to kiss him, but stopped short. The last thing I wanted him to remember was my traitorous kiss. So I hugged him hard and told him I loved him. I do. I always have. And then I watched him go out to his car and drive away, knowing that the next time I saw him, everything would be different.
* * *
? ? ?
The e-mail came through just before two o’clock that afternoon. I’d been deep in work, forcing myself not to think about it. This was the earliest day I could expect a result; I might have to wait for a few days longer. Annie was on the phone to a client and I was busying myself with e-mails when a notification slid up from the bottom of my screen. It slid down again, but not before I’d seen the words Paternity Test in the heading.
My heart banged so hard I thought Annie would hear it, but when I turned to look at her, she was still deep in conversation, making notes as she talked. She wasn’t taking any notice of me. Clumsily I picked up my phone. I couldn’t read the message here. I needed to go somewhere private. I picked up my car keys. I would read the e-mail in the privacy of my car.
Annie glanced up at me. She put her hand over her phone and whispered, “Don’t forget I’m going home in a minute. It’s the last day of term and the kids are finishing early.”
I nodded and waved. I walked downstairs instead of waiting for the lift, feeling dizzy with fear. This was the moment. Now I would know.
I got into my car and opened the e-mail tab. The message appeared at the top of my in-box. I took a deep breath. I wanted to delete it without reading it, to stick my head back in the sand and act as though none of this was happening. I wanted to drive to Harry and hold him tight and tell him everything. I wanted him to say it didn’t matter, it really didn’t matter who the father was. He would be the baby’s real father.
But I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t do it to him.
I saw Annie hurry from the building and drive her car out of the car park. I knew that one day I’d be doing that, racing to pick up my child, and I’d be doing it no matter what the results of this test said. That gave me the courage to open the e-mail. I quickly scrolled down the screen, desperately trying to understand what it said. It seemed as though it was written in a foreign language; then I realized it was written in a way that might be used against someone. In court.
I read the e-mail three times. I don’t know how long I sat there before I understood what it said. I went back to the office to pick up my bag.
I needed to talk to Tom.
CHAPTER 65
Ruby
Through habit I parked in my usual place by the side of the road. Tom’s car was on the driveway. Just as I reached the front door, a black BMW pulled up onto the