like to welcome you to Shoreditch and thank you for coming to see our new home!”
We all applaud lightly and Mum beams around the table.
“And now,” she continues, “I’m going to hand you over to Becky, who is hosting Christmas for us all this year. Becky, this is your Christmas, love. It’s your day. We won’t interfere at all. Do it any way you like! As long as we watch the queen’s speech.”
“As a republican, I’ll be boycotting the queen’s speech,” says Jess at once, raising her hand. “But I understand that you want to support the monarchy in its repressive and toxic traditions. Just tell me when it’s over.”
“As long as there’s a turkey,” says Martin with a nervous laugh. “I do like a turkey on Christmas Day.”
“Martin’s sister once made fish pie,” says Janice in a pained whisper, as though confessing to a murderer in the family. “Fish pie on Christmas Day! Can you believe it?”
“Of course we’ll have a turkey,” I say. “And a vegan turkey for Jess,” I add proudly.
I’ve found a vegan turkey online, made from soybeans and mushrooms. It’s in the shape of a turkey, with legs and everything!
“Thanks, Becky,” says Jess, looking pleased. “That’s really good of you.”
“And stuffing,” says Martin. “I do like plenty of stuffing. And pigs in blankets…”
“Bread sauce,” says Dad.
“I like brussels sprouts with chestnuts,” says Janice. “There’s a super Delia recipe, Becky. I’ll send it to you.”
“No, no, no.” Mum shakes her head. “Brussels sprouts don’t need any fussing. Just boiled with a bit of butter.”
“I don’t eat butter,” puts in Jess at once.
“We’ll have all of that,” I promise. “And Christmas pudding and Christmas cake and…er…”
What else is there? My mind’s gone blank.
“Crackers!” says Suze. “I’ll bring crackers. Unless, Jess, do you want to bring crackers?”
“Christmas crackers are problematic,” says Jess without a flicker. “The toys inside are forgettable bits of plastic that contribute to the choking of wildlife and destruction of our ecosystem. But I’ll bring some if you want,” she adds.
“Right.” Suze looks a bit shellshocked. “Or we could maybe…not have crackers?”
“I’ll find some eco-crackers,” I say hurriedly.
“Martin and I were thinking we should have a piñata!” puts in Janice brightly. “The children would like that.”
“A piñata?” I echo, puzzled. “Is that a Christmas thing?”
“Martin and I have been watching Christmas Around the World, love,” Janice informs me. “It’s an afternoon show on BBC Two. Very educational. And the Mexicans have a piñata at Christmastime! So why not us?”
“Well,” I say, a bit flummoxed. “Er…”
“We want to do Santa Lucia too,” continues Janice. “You put candles on your head and wear a white robe and sing Swedish songs.”
“Lovely!” agrees Mum with enthusiasm. “Let’s have an international Christmas!”
“That’s cultural appropriation,” says Jess disapprovingly.
“It’s not if you borrow from all cultures,” Mum counters. “Then you’re being fair.”
“Christmas trees are a German tradition,” chimes in Dad knowledgeably. “Prince Albert brought them over.”
“Christmas trees are problematic,” says Jess, but I’m not sure anyone’s listening.
“Jesus wasn’t British,” puts in Janice. “I don’t mean to sound disrespectful or anything, but he wasn’t.” She looks around as though waiting for someone to disagree.
“Well, obviously Jesus wasn’t British—” Luke begins.
“There you go, then!” says Mum triumphantly. “We can have a piñata! Becky, you can get one, can’t you, love?”
“Er…of course!” I say. I grab my Christmas notebook out of my bag and write down piñata, candles, Swedish songs??
“Christmas trees are problematic,” repeats Jess, more loudly. “A better alternative would be to decorate an item already found within the home, such as a broom.” She turns to me. “You can decorate it with recycled materials such as old tin cans, hammered into festive shapes.”
A broom? I’m not hanging a broom with old tin cans and calling it a Christmas tree. I’m just not.
“I’m sure we can make some sort of ecologically appropriate tree work somehow,” says Luke firmly, seeing my face.
“What about presents?” demands Suze. “Does anyone have any requests, because I never know what to get.”
“I’m going to give everyone a makeover on the day as my present,” says Janice brightly. “There, the surprise is ruined, but at least you know you’ll look beautiful!”
My jaw falls slightly, and I exchange glances with Suze.
“Wow, Janice!” says Suze. “That sounds…What exactly do you mean?”
“I’ll give all the girls one of my special contouring makeups,” says Janice happily. “And the men will have a facial scrub and polish. I’m going to bring all my kit.”