“But I told you I was going to get it for you for Christmas!” I erupt in frustration. “You should have waited!”
“Becky, I remember our conversation very well,” says Luke calmly. “You didn’t mention Christmas presents once.”
Honestly. Luke is so literal. It’s a major character flaw of his, actually. I often tell him so.
“I was subtle! I said, ‘Well, maybe a little elf will get it for you!’ What did you think I meant by ‘a little elf’?”
“Look, Becky,” says Luke, clearly amused. “Don’t fret. This can still be my Christmas present. I love it. Thank you very much.” He drops a kiss on my head, then turns toward the door, but I’m not mollified.
“You can’t have your Christmas present in November,” I call after him. “You have to have something to open on Christmas Day.”
“Get me some aftershave,” says Luke over his shoulder.
Aftershave? Is he for real? Aftershave? Aftershave is the most unimaginative present for a man you could ever choose out of a Presents for Dad catalog full of golf tees and bad ties.
On the other hand…it’s quite easy.
I turn to my Christmas planner and, after Buy Luke’s present, I add, Aftershave. But I won’t get the same one he always uses, I decide as I write. Ha. I’ll get a fab new surprise aftershave.
Then I turn my attention to Minnie, who’s playing by the fireplace with her adorable little tea set. She’s handing out cups to all her teddies and pouring out “tea” from the dinky teapot.
“Minnie, poppet,” I say. “It’s going to be Christmas before too long, and maybe if you’re good, Father Christmas will bring you a present! What d’you think you would like?”
“I would like…” replies Minnie, still engrossed in her tea party, “a hamper. Please,” she adds as an afterthought. “Pleeeeeease, I want a hamper.”
I stare at her, puzzled. A hamper? Like…a Fortnum’s hamper full of smoked salmon? A laundry hamper?
Then my eye falls on the tea-set box, which advertises other products in the range. Of course! She’s been begging me for ages to buy the full picnic hamper with plastic glasses and napkins and pretend food. Well, that’s easy enough.
I quickly log on to the website where we got the tea set and search picnic hamper. It’s gorgeous, with a gingham lining and little knives and forks and even a sweet little vase of plastic flowers. There are only five left in stock, so thank God I asked her about this early enough. Plus my details are already stored on the site, so it takes me a minute to buy it. Done!
As the email arrives in my in-box—Confirmation of your order—I feel a jab of pride. I’ve started Christmas shopping! I grab my Christmas planner, write Get Minnie present, and tick it off. Ha! I’m so on top of things. I just need to continue like this, in a calm, orderly way.
* * *
—
Except of course, as soon as you want to be calm and orderly, life decides to trip you up. By seven-thirty the next morning, I’m not remotely calm or orderly. I’m rushing hectically round the house, helping Luke look for a vital set of papers that he needs for a meeting and has gone “missing.”
“Did you put them in here?” he says, yanking out the drawer of the dresser in the hall.
Immediately I bristle. Why’s he blaming me? Why would I put some boring old set of papers anywhere?
“No,” I say politely. “I didn’t.”
“What about in here?” He reaches for the cupboard doors of the dresser. “What do we keep in here, anyway?” As he speaks, he opens a door and a deluge of canvas bags falls out.
“That’s nothing,” I say hastily, rushing forward to stop him, but it’s too late. Damn.
“What on earth is this?” says Luke incredulously, looking at the mountain of bags at his feet.
“Just…er…some bags,” I say.
“What bags?”
“Bags! You know, bags! Maybe your papers are in the kitchen. Let’s go and look.”
I’m trying to hurry him away, but Luke doesn’t move. He stares at the massive, tangled pile of bags for a moment, then starts pulling them apart and reading the slogans on them.
“Bag for Life. Bag for Life. Tote for Life. Greener Bag. Tesco. Waitrose…Becky, what the hell?”
OK. So the truth is, I do sometimes buy a bag for life and then forget to take it out with me next time and have to buy another one. Which is not ideal, because I’ve ended up