stubborn. But what a woman - she was as courageous as any of his warriors. Connor gripped her shoulders and kissed her full on the lips.
"I have a battle to fight," he told her. "I can't be worrying about ye, so you'll do as I say."
This time, she nodded, and he kissed her again for that.
* * *
Though he was tired from the battle, Connor could not sleep. He kept thinking about the two men at the gate, murdered by someone they thought was a friend. At least his men would be less vulnerable now that they knew to be on guard against an enemy within. Trust was essential, however, for them to fight well together. Connor must find the culprit and soon.
His thoughts bounced back and forth between that scene at the gate and the arrow whizzing by Ilysa's head. Dear God, if something had happened to her, he would never forgive himself.
The attack on the castle served to reinforce how important it was to control the surrounding countryside and, hence, to secure MacIain's help. Soon, his bride would arrive, and he would lose Ilysa. What would he do without her?
In truth, he was not even trying to sleep. The little time he had left with her was too precious to waste in oblivious slumber. Each night was both a valued gift and a torture, knowing it could be his last.
"Are ye awake?" Ilysa asked in a soft voice.
"Aye." He kissed her hair and held her closer.
"I've made up my mind," she said.
"About what, mo chroi?" He steeled himself to hear her ask him to have a boat ready in the morning to take her back to Dunscaith. His heart was in her hands.
"If ye want me to, I'll stay after she comes" - her voice caught as she added - "and after you're wed."
He closed his eyes. This was both what he wanted and what he hoped she would never say.
"I fear it will make ye unhappy to share the household with another woman." Connor did not add, and share me, but it hung in the air between them.
"It may," she said, "but I would be more unhappy without ye."
Connor felt overwhelmed with relief and guilt.
"I will feel badly for her," Ilysa said, turning her face away from him.
That was so like Ilysa. "Most chieftains have more than one woman. Her grandfathers are chieftains, so she will expect it," he said, stroking her back. "Having no woman but my wife was my rule, made in the arrogance of ignorance."
"'Tis the church's rule as well," Ilysa said without much conviction.
The church had many rules that were not strictly followed in the Highlands. Here, priests were so few that marriages were generally blessed, if at all, at the same time the couple's first child was christened. Under Celtic tradition, illegitimate children were claimed with no shame. Both men and women could set aside a marriage for a variety of grounds, including the woman's failure to bear a child and the man's failure to perform his husbandly duty in bed.
"I expect my wife will be content so long as I treat her with respect and" - he made himself say it - "give her children."
Ilysa was so still Connor wanted to take it back and tell her he wanted only her, which he did. But he needed to be honest about how it would be - how it had to be - if she stayed.
"I have a duty to her. This is not her fault, and I will give her what is her due," he said. "Can ye accept that?"
Ilysa nodded against his chest, and he hated himself.
"She will understand that our marriage is an alliance between clans, nothing more," he said.
"She's a woman," Ilysa said. "No matter what she understands, she'll hope for love."
"That she can never have," Connor said. "No matter if ye stay or go, my heart is yours."
He made love to her slowly, needing to show her with each touch, each kiss, each stroke, how much she meant to him. Until now, he had held back some essential part of himself that he had never trusted to a woman - at least not since he was a boy of seven and his mother left without a second thought for him.
He was a cautious man who laid aside all caution. He bared his soul to Ilysa and let her own his heart.
Chapter 32
Connor was in his chamber when Lachlan stormed in and banged the door open with such