Her eyes narrowed in warning. “I have not forgotten our arrangement, as you well know. Hearing that you intend to stay for a while longer pleases me a great deal. But I wonder for what purpose?”
The playful amusement left his face. “For the pleasure of each other’s company, of course.”
“That reason is no longer enough.” Her admission hovered in the air between them. They had been through too much, tiptoed around too many issues not to speak plainly now. “I have gone and complicated this situation even more by falling in love with you.”
“Catherine, I—”
She set a finger over his lips. “I know you care for me, Sebastian. And I also understand intimate relations amongst your set are commonplace. That our time together was nothing more than a pleasant diversion for you during your banishment.”
He pulled her finger away. “I admit that was the case in the beginning.”
“I’m not casting judgment. Lord knows I have no right to after what I’ve done.”
He skimmed the side of his finger along her temple. “You are a mother. You did what you had to.”
“Perhaps,” she said. “Perhaps not. One always has options.”
“Does that mean you wanted to share my bed?”
For far longer than you shall ever know, my dear sweet lord. “You sound surprised.”
“Relieved, more like,” he said. “A man is no different from a woman in this regard. We want to be desired for ourselves and not for what one can gain from an association with us.”
The vulnerable quality to his statement made her throat ache. “My point in all this is to release you from our arrangement.”
His countenance darkened. “What if I don’t wish to be released?”
“Sebastian, it would not be wise for you to stay.” She squeezed his hand. “Surely, you see that.”
A muscle in his jaw jumped. “I don’t.”
She pushed out of his arms and paced away. The stubborn man was going to make her splay open her soul in all its foolish glory. “If you leave now, there’s a slight chance that I might survive this affaire.” Catherine raised her gaze to his, tears welling in her eyes. “Stay, and I am l-lost.”
“Cat,” he said thickly, taking a step toward her.
Unable to speak, she shook her head. One touch from him and she would gladly plunge into the abyss, for which only heartache lay at the end.
“Will you answer one question?” he asked.
She moistened her dry lips. “Of course.”
“If I resigned my position as chief, would you have me?”
Her heart fluttered. “Have you?”
“As a husband?”
“You would do that?” she asked, startled. “Give up the Nexus—for me?”
“Without hesitation.”
“But why, Sebastian? Why would you give up a cause that you have devoted your life to?” Her eyes narrowed. “I hope not because of some bothersome gentleman’s code. My honor does not need protecting.”
“No.” The rich timbre of his voice prickled her skin. “Nothing so inconvenient as protecting your honor.”
“Then why?”
“Because I love you and want nothing more than to spend my days with you and your managing daughter.”
The tears spilled over her lids and streamed down her cheeks. “Truly?”
He smiled. “Truly.”
“I deceived you in the worst possible way.”
“Not the worst way, Catherine. Believe me.” He smoothed his thumb over her damp cheek. “You exhibited great courage during a dangerous situation. A quality to be admired, not judged.”
“Cora knows you well.”
His lips thinned. “Does she?”
Catherine slid her hand up his chest. “I didn’t dare believe her when she said you’d understand why I did what I did.”
“I hadn’t realized my agent had become a damned matchmaker.”
“She wants you to have what she and Lord Helsford have.”
“You may spare me the Raven’s wisdom,” he said. “I shall have to put up with her gloating looks for years as it is.”
Catherine toyed with a pleat on the shoulder of his shirtsleeves. “Sebastian, I don’t want you to give up the Nexus. They need you. As does England.”
The muscle beneath her fingers stiffened. “My position requires me to be away for long periods of time and often without notice.”
Past hurts crowded into her mind. “Yes, well. I won’t lie and say that condition won’t be difficult. A few assurances on your part might be necessary.”
He cocked his head to the side. “What sort of assurances?”
Catherine tried twice to force the words out, but they remained lodged behind a lump in the back of her throat.
He combed his fingers through her hair, soothing her like one would a distressed animal. “Don’t lose your nerve now, my love.”