Thankfully, Dad keeps the conversation moving throughout dinner. It doesn’t escape my notice, though, how he pushes the food around on his plate. He’s been doing it at almost every meal, pretending to eat, making his plate look like he’s touched more of his food than he actually has. Worry seizes my gut. It’s the little things like this that make his illness seem more daunting. It really is happening and there is nothing I can do to stop it.
It feels as if it’s life’s curse—watching the person who brought you into this world fall apart. It’s a simple and painful reminder that life is so much shorter than any of us imagine.
My dad asks Endymion about his family, checking on them to see how they’re doing. Apparently, Dad spends a lot of time with them for birthdays and family barbecues. It makes me feel guilty for leaving him here on his own.
How lonely was he without Mom and me here?
Why didn’t he reach out sooner?
Those are just a few of the questions that run through my head during dinner. I also learn a few things about End that I didn’t know before tonight. It’s weird. I spent so much time crushing on this man, trying to steal moments and time with him, and now that I’m not vying for his attention, he’s everywhere. I spent so much of my time chasing him, trying to get him to notice me, and now that I’ve given up that pursuit, he’s fallen back into my life, almost on a silver platter of sorts.
He has a niece of his own. His sister, Freya, got pregnant at a young age, too, though, unlike me, she eventually married the baby’s father. It made me equal parts happy and guilty to learn about his niece. I tried to make myself believe that at least I didn’t have to feel too bad about keeping their granddaughter a secret and depriving them of a grandchild because they already had one. But as soon as that thought passed, the guilt slammed into me because, yes, I should feel bad about what I’m doing. I am depriving grandparents of a grandchild. I am depriving End of a relationship with his daughter, but I think what hurts me the most is realizing I am depriving my pride and joy of so much more love. She has a slew of other people out there who would love her fiercely.
It only makes me hate myself more by the time the night comes to an end.
I am exhausted when we all say good night. I’ve spent so many years suppressing my emotions that they all seemed to bubble to the surface during dinner. It was tiring to pretend everything in our little orbit was okay, when really, nothing was. And chances are, when the truth comes out, nothing in our lives will ever be okay again. With a lingering stare, that lasts a few beats too long, I say goodbye to End, hoping that, somehow, I’ll be able to make this right.
When I tuck my sweet girl into bed, I lie beside her and watch her sleep, tracing the planes of her soft features that are identical to Endymion’s. The only attributes she got from me are the freckles and her nose. Everything else is all Endymion.
She doesn’t have the blinding pale skin that I have. There is a golden tint to her skin that comes from Endymion. Endymion’s mom was born in Greece, so he truly is my version of a Greek god. Her beautiful eyes are a shade darker than her father’s, but the resemblance in color is still striking. Her hair color and texture are another thing she inherited from him.
With a soft lingering kiss on her forehead, I keep my lips rested against her skin. A smarting sensation pierces my heart and a shot of lightning strikes my soul.
“I’ll make it right, baby. I promise.”
Quietly, I close the door to my old bedroom, leaving it cracked. Everything feels so heavy. There’s so much on my mind; I just want to sit in peace for a little while and think. Think about the future. The past. What comes next.
I ask my mom and dad to keep an eye on Luna while I head to the creek. They don’t even bat an eye, since it’s what I always did as a kid. The creek has always been a safe