up, but at the same time, it doesn’t. Over the years, my dad has added his own twists and flairs—you know, bachelor life and all.
His recliner still sits directly in line with his flat screen with the round coffee table off to the side holding his newspaper and sports magazine. There’s even his half-empty coffee cup resting on the table right next to the coaster. The sight itself makes me smile. It used to drive my mom crazy that he wouldn’t put his mugs on the coaster, especially when it was right there in front of him.
A frown suddenly pulls taut across my face when I think about my mother.
I should probably see how she’s handling all this.
I pad into the kitchen, not surprised when I find her searching through Dad’s fridge, likely trying to find something to make dinner with.
“I don’t think anything new is going to pop out just by staring in there, Mom.”
She shoots me a glare over her shoulder. With a sigh, she shuts the fridge door and slaps her hands along her thighs helplessly.
“There is nothing of sustenance in there. We’ll need to go grocery shopping. There’s no way we can live off jelly, Spam, and sandwich meat. I mean, seriously, how has your father made it this long without starving to death?” She starts throwing open cabinets and cupboards, clearly exasperated.
I lean against the back counter, scrutinizing her closely, knowing exactly why she’s blowing the food situation out of proportion.
“It’s okay to feel weird here, Mom. It’s okay to feel…however it is you’re feeling. You haven’t been back in this house for years. I get it. This is a weird change for all of us.”
My mom pauses in front of the cupboard that holds the mugs. She grips onto the handle so tightly, I’m afraid the polished silver will crumble in her grip. When she hunches forward and a raw sound escapes her throat, my heart cracks open.
Oh, Mom.
“Why didn’t he tell me sooner? Why did he wait so fucking long to ask for my help? That stubborn, stubborn man. Did you see him? God, if he would’ve reached out sooner, I could’ve…we could’ve done something.”
I do my best to blink back my tears, but they fall anyway. Because I know exactly what she means. I didn’t realize how bad my father was looking until I saw him in person today. It’s been about two months since we’ve last seen each other in person, and the change is drastic. He looks tired and skinnier than I ever remember my father being. He doesn’t look like himself, and the reality that the man I’ve looked up to my entire life is slowly deteriorating breaks my heart.
Closing the distance between us, I wrap my arms around my mom’s middle, hugging her from the back. I feel her shaking in my arms, and I know she blames herself for not being here. I don’t think either of us anticipated how difficult it would be to come back here.
“I hate him. But I still love him, you know?” she chokes out. I slam my eyes shut, tightening my grip on her.
“I know, Mom. I know.”
It takes her a few minutes to gather herself, and when she does, she pats my hands secured around her waist to silently let me know she’s okay now. When she turns to face me, her eyes are red and puffy, but she sails through, wiping the remnants of her tears away.
“I’ll start making that grocery list. I think your father said he wanted pizza tonight, so we’ll call that in.”
She slips out of the kitchen in search of a pad of paper and a pen, and I release a heavy sigh now that I’m alone. We are only one day in, and I already feel emotionally wrecked. I’m not sure I can handle any more sadness for today.
I scratch at the back of my neck, brows furrowed as I try to figure out what the fuck I’m looking at. When my mother asked me to stop at the store and pick up “lightly sweetened” frosting for my sister’s birthday cake, I didn’t think this shit was going to be this hard.
I’ve been standing in this aisle for the past ten minutes rereading labels, looking for anything that sounds like what my mother is asking for. I have not found one label that says anything about sugar-free or lightly sweetened. I’m so close to saying fuck it and buying her a whole new goddamn