papa, but she knows enough. During major holidays and FaceTime calls are usually the only time she gets to see him, and believe me when I say, they’re practically inseparable during those times. She adores my dad, and my dad adores her. Even though our relationship is still somewhat strained, there isn’t a doubt in my mind that he loves his granddaughter.
So that is where we are, packing up our lives from the past almost six years and heading to the one place I promised I’d never step foot in again. I have no idea if Luna’s father is still there or what he’s doing with his life. I can only hope all this won’t explode in my face.
To top it all off, I’m moving back in with my parents. I’m not sure how we’ll all survive.
“Mommy?”
“Yeah, baby?”
“Is this our new house?”
I pause, my hand hovering over the cardboard box filled with most of our belongings. Since we got here, I’ve been trying to unpack as quickly as possible, just to help smooth the transition. Luna spent most of her time with my dad. The second we walked through the doors, she screamed out, “Papa!” and ran straight into his arms. My little Luna has always loved spending time with my dad. Whenever we were together for the holidays, she stayed seated on his lap from the time he got there to the time he left. The bond they share is a lot like the bond I had with my dad before the distance and my pregnancy came between us. When I watch them together, I get this twinge in my chest. It’s equally beautiful and heartbreaking all at once.
Because even though I hate to give it any more thought than necessary, I don’t know how long he’ll be around for Luna, and I can only imagine how devastated she’ll be when that time comes.
I hate that the only reason we’re back here is because my father is sick. I should’ve done more to bring us together as a family. I should’ve made more time to fly out here and see him instead of making him come to us. Why hadn’t I tried harder?
The thought of losing my father makes me sick. It turns my stomach and stops my heart all at once. I’m not ready. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to deal with that kind of loss.
Snapping out of my thoughts, I remember the question Luna asked. Settling the stack of shirts on the bed, I shift toward her and blow out a sigh.
“In a way, yes. We’re going to stay here with Nana and Papa for a while.”
She looks thoughtful for a second, her head cocked to the side. “Can we stay here with Papa forever?”
I trap my bottom lip between my teeth, trying to stop the quiver of my chin and hold it together. Turning back to the box, I blink rapidly, forcing the moisture out of my eyes.
“Yeah, baby. We’ll stay here as long as Papa wants us to. Deal?”
I can practically hear her unsuspecting grin in her voice. “Deal.”
“You want to help me unpack now?” I ask, glancing back at her.
She purses her lips, shaking her head. “No. Papa said he was gonna take me to get ice cream and then some cake from your favorite store. He even said he’d take me to the store to pick out an early birthday present soon!”
I grin. “Oh, really? You haven’t even had lunch yet. And your birthday isn’t for another two weeks, little miss.”
May first is right around the corner, and with the new move, I’m still not sure what I will do to celebrate her birthday. I had it all planned out the year prior, but it’s funny how quickly the course of life can change. I never thought I’d be here, celebrating my daughter’s sixth birthday in a place that quite literally makes me queasy when I think about it.
She laughs and skips away. “I know, Mommy.”
I shake my head, going back to unpacking.
Kids.
The house is eerily quiet without my dad and the sound of CNN playing in the living room, or Luna’s vivacious little voice trailing about, constantly asking questions. I swear that girl is a sponge. She soaks in everything anyone says, and she’s as nosy as they come.
I pad down the stairs, gripping the familiar railing, feeling another sharp pain in my chest. Everything in the house looks the same, almost like a shrine of when I was growing