settle on inhaling her scent; cherry, coconut, and the smell of sex. The smell of us. A guy could get high on that. She waits patiently, barely blinking. I need to man the fuck up and tell her the truth. Without warning, her palm comes to rest on my elbow. I cover her hand with mine.
She exhales with a quiet, “Hi.”
I almost crumble.
Emotion claws at my throat, raw and unfamiliar, like I’m breathing underwater. This girl says hi to me, and I’m falling to pieces. I can’t tell her. Not yet. I need more time—with her, with us. Blind her with how awesome we are so she can’t see how damaged I am.
When I pulled back the covers of my hospital bed and Lacey saw the mutilated flesh clinging to my legs, she looked ready to puke. She actually gagged a bit. My confidence, my manhood, walked out the door with her that day. She got more distant, stopped visiting, and rarely asked about my mom. She disappeared from my life. Good riddance, as far as I’m concerned. But what if Nina freaks out, too?
I move an inch closer. “Lacey and me, it’s complicated.”
“Yeah, I gathered. But I need specifics. We can’t do that and not talk about it. I mean, unless you’re messing around with me and, like, not interested. Which is totally fine. We’re traveling. We barely know each. And well…the tent and everything. Just forget I asked. Sorry. It was stupid. I’m stupid. I’m going to disappear now.” She tugs the sleeping bag over her head.
I want to laugh at how cute she is, stumbling over her words—words that couldn’t be more wrong, but I’m not about to let her go on thinking I’m not into her. “I can still see you, Canada.” She pulls the nylon tighter around her head. I join her in her safe place under the sleeping bag and press my forehead to hers in the dark. Her breaths are deep and heavy, practically filling my lungs. “I’ll get to the Lacey thing, because you’re right; we can’t raise the dry-fucking standards and pretend it’s nothing. Before we get to that, though, I want to be clear about something.” I feel for her hands in the dark and lace our fingers together. Everything amplifies in our cocoon, the heat, the smells, the sensations. I’d kill to hit pause. “I’m into you, Nina. Very into you. This isn’t casual for me. It hasn’t been since that first night at the hostel, and what happened tonight meant something. To me, at least. Whatever else happens, I want you to know that. It’s been more than a little challenging keeping my hands off of you. Tonight, it was just too much.”
“Okay.” Her soft voice fills the space between us. “I’m into you, too. Very. I’m just a lot scared.”
I kiss the hand I’m holding. “Join the club.” A truer statement there never was. “What do you say we surface for the rest of this conversation?”
She wiggles her head out, and we pull the lip of the bag to our shoulders.
I give her a wink. “Hi.”
“Hi.” She giggles quietly.
I kiss her forehead and she sighs. The rain has lessened outside, the steady patter now random drops. There’s a glow in her eyes. Not the lust I sometimes see—something deeper, something more. Maybe it’s the soft light playing tricks.
I drag in a breath as I build the lie I can’t seem to shake. “So, Lacey. Things got rough for us after the accident, strained for a bunch of reasons. It changed me, what happened. Can’t say if it’s for the better or the worse, I’m just…different. And things weren’t the same with us. I was close to ending it a couple of times, but Lacey’s been dealing with some family stuff. She’s in a tough place. I care about her, and I’m worried what’ll happen if I cut her off. I’m not sure she can handle it. So I left on this trip, knowing, theoretically, we were done, but holding back from telling her. She’s pretty fragile right now.”
This is me being a pussy. This is me sucking dick. I’m like that guy who goes to the pharmacist on behalf of his “friend” to ask about his crotch itch. Lacey is vulnerable. Lacey is fragile. Lacey might break if she gets dumped. Me. Me. Fucking me. I want to wring my own neck. I watch Nina for any telltale signs she knows I’m the biggest douche alive, but