amber eyes lock with his. This close, I can see golden flecks surrounding his pupils, almost like errant fireworks have been set off.
“I thought about you a lot since you’ve been away,” he confesses, voice a hushed murmur. He pauses and nervously licks his lips, before continuing. “And I replay what we did to you over and over again in my mind. I try to think things through, try to understand why we did the things we did. And you want to know what I come up with?” I stay silent, awaiting his answer with bated breath. “Jack fucking shit.”
“I don’t—”
“I remember the first time I saw you, back in elementary school. Do you remember?” he continues. I try to think back to that time, when I saw him as a classmate and even a friend, but all of his wicked sins taint my memory. I slowly shake my head no. “Well, I do. You were seven, maybe eight. Hell, maybe you were younger. What I do remember is you were this little scrap of a thing. Tiny. Petite. Cute.” He shrugs his broad shoulders, and I can’t help but feel butterflies in my stomach at the fact that he thought I was cute. It’s actually kind of laughable how pathetic I am.
“What happened?” I ask quietly as he continues to stare off into space, lost in a memory only he can see.
“These kids were making fun of me because I still had trouble reading.” His face creases together as he absently reaches across the table, picks apart some of my muffin, and shoves it in his mouth. I tentatively shove the rest of the treat towards him—a peace offering. “I remember they were calling me stupid and pushing me around a bit. Keep in mind, I was a scrawny fucker back then.” He chuckles ruefully. “And there you came, this slip of a girl with gorgeous white-blonde hair and the strangest eyes I’ve ever seen. Do you know what you said?”
Once more, I shake my head. I don’t remember any of this.
“You said, ‘Don’t be a bully! Bullies are mean and nasty!’” He chuckles once more, and this time, I can’t help but join in. Oh, the irony of that statement.
“Younger me really needed to work on her retorts,” I jest.
“You were the only person who stood up for me that day,” he continues. “There were other kids who watched them pick on me, but only you actually stepped forward and put a stop to it. And I vowed to myself, right then and there on the playground, that I would marry you one day.” He scratches at the inside of his arm as he continues to stare off into the distance. I half wonder if it’s because he doesn’t want to meet my eyes. “But less than a few years later, I…” He trails off, but we both know what he was going to say. A few years later, he became my bully. My tormentor. My living nightmare.
“So why did you do it?” I whisper.
I feel worn out, the emotional whiplash these boys put me through taking a toll on my body. Sooner or later, the events of the last few days are going to catch up to me like a twenty-thousand-pound ship running into an iceberg. I’m going to crash and drown, and there’s nothing anyone can do to save me.
“Honestly?” Karsyn touches the corner of his lips with his pointer finger. “Because I had a crush on you…but so did the others. We decided that none of us could have you, and that made me…”
“Mad enough to hurt me?” I surmise, feeling sick to my stomach. It’s funny, in a way, that the people we hurt the most are often the people we care about more than anything. Why do we always hurt the people we love? When will this sick, twisted cycle end? First my mom, then Nana, and now…
“No.” Karsyn shakes his head from side to side, body radiating a sort of desperate, primal energy. It reminds me distinctly of a caged lion you would see at a zoo. You’re aware that it’s one of the most powerful predators on the planet and that the only thing containing it is a few flimsy bars. What if it breaks free? Beasts like that aren’t made for captivity. “It wasn’t like that,” he continues.
“Then explain it to me,” I hedge, my nerves frayed like I’m a live wire about to whip around and spark at anyone