“It’s the truth!” I pull my hand free of his grip and allow my sleeve to slide back down, covering my marred skin from view. “You guys might not have been my only reasons for wanting to die—hell, you might not have even been my biggest—but it doesn’t change the fact that whenever I look at you, I see the boys who tormented me for years. That’ll never change.”
“Sorry is just a fucking word, and I know that in this case, it’s entirely inadequate,” Cassian whispers, his head dipped. Delicate tremors course through his body. “But we mean it. I mean it. How the fuck can we prove it to you?”
My emotions are going haywire. It’s impossible for me to untangle one from the next, to understand exactly what I’m feeling at this moment.
So instead of giving voice to any of the tumultuous thoughts warring in my head, I murmur, “You can’t.”
But I don’t know entirely if that’s true or not.
Chapter 34
I feel as if I’ve been flayed raw. I’m bloody and bruised and seconds from falling apart completely.
The next hour passes in a blur. Since I have AP Lit immediately after lunch, I choose to skip it and instead hide away in the locker room. I don’t know who they chose to replace Mrs. Town, and I don’t care. I don’t care about anything anymore.
Caring only gets you hurt.
I squeeze myself into a tight ball as I sit in one of the changing rooms and cry. I don’t know what exactly I’m crying about. Or whom I’m crying for. All I know is that my body feels like one of those Capri Sun juice pouches that have been blown full of air and then stepped on. I sag, depleted and spent, as the remainder of my tears dry on my cheeks. I don’t like this…this…pain. Not one bit.
My body feels inside out, my organs on display for everyone to see.
When the girls enter the locker room a few minutes before gym class begins, I finally have myself under control. At least, I’m eighty percent sure I won’t break into tears the second I set eyes upon the Devils.
I already texted Uriel my change in plans, and his response was instantaneous.
Uriel: R u sure?
Of course I’m not sure—I’m not sure about anything anymore—but I know that the longer I remain here with the Devils, the more potent my pain becomes. Thoughts of the Devils threaten to send me slinking into oblivion, but I know I need to remain coherent if I have any chance of escaping.
And that’s what I’m doing—escaping. I’m finally freeing myself of the shackles Lucas Scott, Cassian Jereome, Karsyn Alder, and Elias Briggs put around me, chaining me to them. I don’t know how long it’ll take my brain to completely eradicate the memories, but I’m praying it’s soon. I don’t know how much longer I can last.
I wait until the locker room is silent before creeping out of the stall. I’m going to be late to class, but fortunately, Mr. Builder doesn’t give enough shits to notice. I’ll sneak in through the back door of the gym just long enough to be present for attendance, and then I’ll retreat to the locker room once more to lick my wounds in private.
Or that was my plan.
The second I enter the main portion of the locker room, I see Mariabella sitting on the lone wooden bench in front of our lockers. She nervously twiddles her fingers together as her gaze darts to the entrance of the locker room and then back to her lap. She’s wearing a pair of spandex leggings and a neon green sports bra. It’s completely inappropriate to wear to class, but then again, Mr. Builder gives zero fucks what we do.
“Mari,” I say softly, and she jumps five feet in the air, her blonde hair whipping around her face.
“Peony,” she breathes, slowly rising to her feet. “I thought you left. I’ve been waiting here for you.”
“I was…” I gesture towards the changing stalls, releasing a self-deprecating chuckle. What was the word for having a pity party alone in a changing room?
“I’m—” she begins, twisting the front of her shirt.
“—so sorry,” we both blurt at the same time. We stare at each other for a long moment, before breaking into giggles.
“No, I’m sorry.” Mariabella huffs ruefully. “I shouldn’t have said what I said. I’m just so furious on your behalf, you know?”