-That's why I didn't much like Santo surfing. I didn't want him to fall into a situation that might cause him the sort of trouble I'd seen. So I did what I could to discourage him. It wasn't right of me, but there you have it." He blew across the top of his coffee and sipped. He said wryly,
-Damn, though. It was daft to try. Santo didn't need me interceding in his life, at least not about that. He took care of himself, didn't he?"
-Not at the end of the day," Kerra noted quietly.
-No. Not at the end of the day." Ben turned his coffee cup in its saucer, his gaze on his hands.
They were silent as the Beach Boys crooned -Surfer Girl." After a verse, Ben said, -Is that why you've brought me here? To talk about Santo? We haven't mentioned him yet, have we? I'm sorry for that. I haven't wanted to talk about him and you've paid the price."
-We all have things we're sorry about when it comes to Santo," Kerra said. -But that's not why I wanted to talk to you." She felt suddenly shy about her subject. Any discussion of Santo made her look upon herself and her motives and deem them selfish. On the other hand, what she had to say was likely going to lift her father's spirits, and the look of him told her his spirits needed lifting.
-What is it, then?" he asked. -Not bad news, I hope. You're not leaving us, are you?"
-No. I mean, yes. After a fashion. Alan and I are marrying."
He took this in, a slow smile beginning to brighten his face. -Are you, now? That's excellent news. He's a fine man. When?"
They hadn't set a date, she told him. Sometime this year. There was no ring yet, but that was to come. -Alan insists," she said. -He wants to have what he calls ‗a proper engagement.' You know Alan. And - " She put her hands round her glass. -He wants to ask your permission, Dad."
-Does he indeed?"
-He said he wants to do things right, from beginning to end. I know it's silly. No one asks for permission to marry any longer. But it's what he wants to do. Anyway, I hope you'll give it.
Your permission, I mean."
-Whyever would I not?"
-Well..." Kerra looked away. How to put it? -You may have gone a bit off on the whole idea of marriage. You know what I mean."
-Because of your mother."
-It can't have been a pleasant journey for you. I could see how you mightn't want me to take it."
Ben took his turn at avoiding Kerra's gaze. He said, -Marriage is difficult no matter the situation the couple finds themselves in. Think otherwise, and you'll be in for a surprise."
-But there's difficult and there's difficult," Kerra said. -Truly difficult. Impossible to accept."
-Ah. Yes. I know you've thought that: the why of it all. I've been reading that question on your face since you were twelve years old."
He looked so regretful as he spoke that Kerra felt pained. She said, -Did you never think...Did you never want to..."
He covered her hand with his. -Your mum has had her trying times. There's no question about that. But her trying times have made her own path rockier than they've made mine, and that's the truth of it. Beyond that, she gave me you. And I have to thank her for that, whatever her faults may be."
At this, Kerra saw that the moment had arrived when she'd least expected it. She looked down at her Coke, but something of what she needed to say to her father must have shown in her features because he said, -What is it, Kerra?"
-How do you know?" she asked him.
-Whether to take the leap with another person? You don't know. There's never any certainty about the kind of life you'll have with someone else, is there, but at some point - "
-No, no. That's not what I mean." She felt the colour come into her face. It burned her cheeks and she could imagine it spreading out like a fan towards her ears. She said, -How do you know about us? About me? For sure. Because..."
He frowned for a moment, but then his eyes widened a little as he took in her meaning.
She added miserably, -Because of what she's like. I've wondered, you see, from time to time."