The Caregiver - By Shelley Shepard Gray Page 0,61

to do nothing but sit and follow directions.

As Lucy asked about a phone and the nurse told her the way to the nurses’ station, Mattie only half listened.

Even though the doctors said it was all gone, the cancer was still winning. It didn’t matter how she’d gotten it. What mattered was that she did.

All she had to understand was that it had claimed her, and it wanted to be the winner. She was the loser.

She could put up a brave front. She could act like she was fighting her hard battle—and she would. But now Mattie knew for certain—felt it deep inside her—that the cancer was going to claim her life.

Prayer worked wonders, John thought as he sat in the empty sanctuary of the Lutheran church and breathed deep. Ever since Calvin and Katie had stopped by to tell him about Mattie’s turn for the worse, it had weighed heavily on his mind.

A part of him knew it didn’t make all that much sense. Though he’d met Mattie when he walked over to the Lapps’ with Graham, he truly didn’t know the girl all that well.

He didn’t know her any better than the dozens of people he’d met over the last few years. Some of them had been really hurting, too. But he’d never been tempted to pray for them.

However, he felt closer to everyone here in Jacob’s Crossing. Even though he wasn’t living at his old house, he felt a part of the community. And because of that, he ached to do anything to help their worries.

Even if it was only prayers.

Obediently, he prayed for Mattie’s health. And for her doctors and nurses and other caregivers. He prayed for Mattie’s parents, and for everyone who was working so hard to make each of her days a little easier.

He gave thanks for God’s healing touch. And for all the blessings in his life.

And then he paused.

As the moments passed, John was sure he felt the Lord Himself standing at his side, waiting for the rest of the truth.

“Lord, I guess I can’t fool you, can I?” he murmured. “You’re right. I’m here for selfish reasons, too. I need help and guidance.”

As the air around him softened, John kept talking. “Lord, I know coming back to Jacob’s Crossing was the right thing to do. I am so thankful to be forging a relationship with my brother’s family. They are good people, and a true joy to me.”

“And this donut shop, well, it’s a gift. I am enjoying my partnership with Amos, and I am certainly happy to not be working in a cubicle like I was in Indy.”

“So I’m real thankful for all of that.”

He took a deep breath. “But, God, I just don’t understand why you’ve brought two such different women into my life. What can it mean? Jayne is everything I used to dream about. An English woman, confident, beautiful. Okay, I’ll admit it—she’s desirable. Very much so.”

Feeling a bit embarrassed to admit such things aloud, he rushed on. “But, Lord, Mary has taken my heart, too. Every time I see her, I want to do more for her. I want to help her with Abel, and hear more about her life . . . And how can that be? I left the order.

“I left, and I didn’t look back. Well, not until now.

“What do you want me to do?”

John paused, half waiting for a bolt of lightning or a note to fly through the air, giving him specific directions.

But of course nothing like that came. No, all he felt was a reassurance that he wasn’t alone. That his prayers would be heard.

In due time.

“Amen,” John said. Standing up, he looked around and realized he felt a little bit better. No, nothing was decided, and he was still as confused as ever.

But at least he felt like he had a buddy to discuss things with.

Chapter 22

After much deliberation, Mattie came to the conclusion that God must have, indeed, decided to leave her. She’d tried to pray, but that had been hopeless. For the first time in her life, she’d felt only emptiness when she’d prayed. As if no one was listening, that no one really cared.

Perhaps that was for the best?

Accepting the harsh reality of her situation seemed like the only way to survive. Now that she had stopped fighting the inevitable, and had stopped feeling so sorry for herself, Mattie realized she could concentrate on the needs of other people.

Which was a welcome change.

Now that she wasn’t consumed