The Burning White (Lightbringer #5) - Brent Weeks Page 0,484

Act like one, even if it’s an act. Some say, ‘Who you are is what you do.’ They’re wrong, but not all wrong. What you do forms who you are. Then who you are forms what you do. It’s a vicious cycle, or a virtuous one, depending. One act doesn’t undo all of who you are, but a thousand acts make you who you are. So it’s simple, though not easy: stop creating the wrong you. Stop trying to prove to yourself that you really are the bad man you believe you are despite what others say, and simply start doing good. Even if deep down you’re a bad man, if what you do every day for the rest of your life is good, you’ll be a bad man indistinguishable from a good one.”

“Why go on at all?”

“Because there’s a whole lot you can do, you moron. Not for yourself. For everyone else. If you had a scrub who loused up a hundred times but finally figured out what to do, and then he decided to volunteer for the Freeing because he believed those hundred mistakes made him a fuckup forever, would you send him off to the luxiats to die?”

“This is different.”

“You thinking you’re so different is what got you here.”

“You just don’t get it,” Ironfist said.

“Fine. You know who did?”

“You mean who did get it?”

“Yeah. Your brother,” Dazen said.

“I’m not sure I want you talking about him.”

“He couldn’t balance the scales. He was the Butcher of Aghbalu! By your logic, because he couldn’t take away all the misery he caused, everything he did in the years between that massacre and his dying—including his dying for Kip and those boys—all of it was worthless. Because he couldn’t balance the scales.”

“I never said that.”

“You’re measuring yourself by a standard that’d make you furious if anyone used it on your own brother.”

“It’s not the same thing.”

“My point exactly. It should be. You want to be a man of integrity? Start by having one set of weights and measures for others and yourself.”

“You don’t understand.”

“You’re seriously going to tell me how higher moral standards should apply to you than to your brother, who was a better man than you by far? You are getting up on your moral high horse? Ironfist, you’re a liar and a traitor and an apostate and a pagan, a man who ordered murders and a coward. So that’s a little rich, isn’t it?”

Angry clouds gathered in Ironfist’s brow, but they sat there and then receded some as Ironfist nodded.

Dazen said, “Arrogance is a ladder, and your ladder got you to the top of the mountain. The top of the Blackguard. You know what you find on mountaintops? An amazing view—and no life. No food, no water, no shelter, no companionship. Maybe it’s time you come down. Life isn’t a climb; it’s a marathon. If you want to make it across the desert sections, you should run carrying water, not a ladder. Your arrogance got you here. Maybe it’s time you left it behind. Maybe it’s time you pick up some water and join the race. Your arms are strong from climbing; now they can carry extra water for others. You’ll find stragglers along the way who need it, I think. But get your ass moving, because you’ve got a lot of catching up to do.”

Ironfist sat with that for a few moments, and Dazen couldn’t tell how much was sticking. Then Ironfist said, “Hearing this from you is a bit much.”

“Who better to teach a lesson than one who had to learn it?” Dazen asked. “I’m not saying I’m ahead of you in this particular race. I’m saying you won’t be running alone.”

“You’re some real motivational motherfucker, aren’t you?”

“Watch it. A Blackguard guards his tongue.”

“I’m not a Blackguard anymore.”

“Yeah, about that . . .” Dazen said.

“What about it?” Ironfist asked suspiciously.

“We’ve got space in the newest cohort. Could use a good nunk.”

Ironfist laughed. “You’re an asshole.”

“I know. It’s why you always liked me.”

“No, no, I never did.”

“At the end you did.”

Ironfist grunted. It might have been an admission.

Dazen decided to take it for one anyway.

“Actually, a space did open up,” Dazen said. “Commander Fisk had some things go real sideways in the battle. He’s asked to retire. Said he’ll give us one more year as a trainer, though, more maybe, if we can get the right replacement as commander. And we really need him as trainer with the state the ’guard is in.”

“You’re asking me to be