The Burglar Who Thought He Was Bogart - By Lawrence Block Page 0,44
reason.”
“I don’t know about that, Bern. You’re putting a lot of alcohol into an empty stomach.”
“That’s a good place for it,” I said. “Anyway, I wouldn’t call it empty.” I patted the organ in question. “Popcorn takes up a lot of space,” I said. “If you want to fill a stomach, you can’t beat popcorn.”
“It’s all air, Bern.”
“It’s heavier than air. If it were all air, it wouldn’t stay in the barrel. It would float away.”
“Bern…”
“I ate a whole barrel of it all by myself,” I said.
“That’s what they call them, barrels. Or sometimes they call them tubs.”
“I know.”
“Usually I only have half a barrel, because Ilona has the other half. You want to know something? When she wasn’t there at a quarter to seven, I knew she wasn’t coming. Before I bought the tickets, I knew.”
“How did you know, Bern?”
“I just knew,” I said. “The way you know a thing.” I thought about what I’d just said. “Well, the way you know certain things,” I amended. “That’s not the way I know Pierre is the capital of South Dakota, for example. I know that because Mrs. Goldfus made us learn all the state capitals.”
“Who was Mrs. Goldfus and why would she do a thing like that?”
“She was my fifth-grade teacher, and she did it because it was her job.”
“All the state capitals. And you never forgot them?”
“I never forgot Pierre. I may have forgotten some of the others. If I take enough ginkgo biloba I’ll be able to tell you which ones I forgot. Except once I remember them, how will I know they were forgotten for a while there?”
“It’s confusing.”
“You said it.”
I picked up my drink and looked at it. It was vodka on the rocks, and it wasn’t Ludomir, because they didn’t carry the brand. This, I decided, was probably just as well.
“I knew she wouldn’t be there tonight,” I said, “and it doesn’t matter how I knew. I just knew.”
“Got it, Bern.”
“I bought two tickets anyway. I probably could have gotten a refund on one of them, but I didn’t even try.” I snapped my fingers. “Easy come, easy go.”
“You said it.”
“And I could have bought a small barrel of popcorn instead of a large one, because by then I definitely knew she wasn’t going to show. But what did I do? I went right ahead and bought a large one.”
“Easy come, easy go?”
“You took the words right out of my mouth. I told you how I got twenty dollars out of Tiglath Rasmoulian, didn’t I?”
“You did, Bern.”
“It was like taking candy from a baby. So why not blow it on popcorn?”
“They get twenty dollars for a barrel of popcorn?”
“No, of course not.”
“I’m glad to hear it. Bern, no matter how much popcorn you’ve got in your stomach, I think you’re starting to feel your drinks.”
“Was I talking loud, Carolyn?”
“Kind of.”
“Damn,” I said, and dropped to a whisper. “I don’t know why that happens.”
“It’s nothing to worry about, Bern. Especially since there’s nobody around to hear us.”
“Good point.”
“And it’s probably not a bad idea for you to get a little bit drunk. Maybe it’ll help you forget her.”
“Forget who?”
“Gee,” she said. “I never thought it would work that fast.”
“Oh, Ilona? I can’t forget her, Carolyn.”
“That’s what you think now,” she said earnestly, “but we’ve been friends a long time, and think of all the women we’ve both had to forget over the years. And where are they now? Forgotten, every last one of them. Time heals all wounds, Bern, especially when it’s got a little Scotch to back it up.”
“I’m drinking vodka tonight.”
“I know, and it’s not like you. How come?”
“For Captain Hoberman.” I picked up the glass again and gazed down into it, then raised it a little higher and looked through it at the ceiling light fixture. “The trouble with vodka,” I said, “is it’s not as good to stare at. You hold a glass full of amber whiskey to the light, it’s as though you’re looking through it and seeing the secrets of the universe. You do the same thing with vodka and it might as well be a glass of water.”
“That’s true, Bern. I never thought of it that way, but it’s true.”
“And yet,” I said, “as soon as you swallow it, it doesn’t make a bit of difference what color it is. It works just fine.” I tilted my glass and proved the point. “Carolyn? Is it okay if I stay over at your place tonight?”