The dam breaks. I explode inside of her, a torrent of cum pouring out of me. Cat’s teeth are chattering again and I’m yelling out, a cry that sounds like a sob.
10
Cat
I lost my virginity to Dean.
I guess I knew it was coming.
I agreed to be his pet for a month and then sucked his cock on the very first day. So I was unlikely to make it all the way to Christmas intact.
Still, I’m not sure how I feel about it.
Zoe gave her virginity to Miles, the love of her life.
I gave mine to an enemy. I wonder if I’ll regret it?
The truth is, I don’t regret it at this moment. I can’t regret it, because I’m already craving doing it again. And I don’t honestly view Dean as any enemy anymore.
Maybe I never did.
He’s frightened me from the day I first laid eyes on him outside Miles’ Halloween party, just over a year ago. And he’s frustrated me a hundred times since then.
But did I ever actually hate him?
No. I don’t think so.
My terror has always been accompanied by a strange fascination with Dean. He intrigues me, like a dark pathway into the woods. I want to see what’s inside.
No, I definitely can’t regret fucking him. It felt too good. The most pleasurable moments of my life have come in our last several encounters.
But I am confused about one thing. The thing that makes me feel a squirming sense of guilt and shame when I think what I allowed Dean to do to me. And how much I liked it . . .
There’s only one person I can ask.
I call my sister.
Miles told me where to find his cache of hidden cellphones so I could call Zoe any time I like, not just on Sundays.
I go to the very furthest point of campus, in the northwest corner of the fortress walls, tucked behind the prison tower and the edge of the ruined cathedral. Here, in a thicket of Hemlocks, no one will see me using a forbidden piece of technology.
Zoe answers at once, pleased and breathless.
“Cat! How are you?”
I don’t have to ask how she’s doing. I can hear the pure joy in Zoe’s voice. That’s how she always sounds since she moved to Los Angeles with Miles.
“I’m good,” I say. “Or at least, I think I’m good.”
Zoe laughs. “What does that mean?”
“Well . . . I, uh, had sex for the first time.”
“What!?” she shrieks. “With who?”
“With . . . Dean, actually.”
There’s a long silence on the other end of the line.
“What are you doing, conejita,” Zoe murmurs. There’s no judgment in her voice—only concern.
“I . . . might like him. A little bit,” I admit.
Another silence. Then Zoe says, “He’s bitter, Cat. Bitter and twisted inside. Do you know what he tried to do to Leo—”
“Yes,” I interrupt. “I know.”
“Then how can you like him?”
I can’t answer her question, because I know I’m in the wrong. You’re not supposed to like someone who tried to kill your friend.
But after all, he didn’t kill Leo, and I don’t think he’d try again. In fact, in all the time I’ve spent with Dean, he’s never said one thing about Leo Gallo. Or about Anna, either. Maybe he’s keeping his hatred locked inside. I’ve never seen any hint of it.
“I think . . . he might have changed since then,” I say to Zoe. “Changed a little, at least.”
Zoe lets out a disbelieving sigh.
I know I sound ridiculous.
It doesn’t matter. I didn’t call Zoe so she could waste her time trying to talk me out of a situation in which I’m far too deeply embedded.
I have a different question to ask.
“Zo,” I say. “You like sleeping with Miles, don’t you?”
She laughs and I can almost picture her shaking her head at my change of subject.
“Of course,” she says.
“Do you ever have sort of, uh, aggressive sex? Violent, even?”
Zoe hesitates, her irrepressible honesty forcing her to answer.
“Sometimes,” she says.
“Why do people like that?” I ask.
Even though I’m alone and out of sight of anyone, including Zoe, I’m still blushing with all my might.
People means me, and Zoe knows it.
“Well.” Zoe considers. “I suppose it’s because it shows a man’s masculinity and strength.”
“Do you ever . . . let Miles tie you up?”
I want the earth to swallow me up, but I also need to know.