You’re projection, John. You don’t want to be with her, so you’re making up this feeling. Get her help.
One way or another I’m going to have to make it clear that things are going to end, but first I will get her help. She needs help.
Chapter 11
On A Mission
John
Four months later…
“Passport, keys, vest,” I mutter to myself and twist my lips as I look around my bedroom.
Wyatt will be here to pick me up in about an hour. We leave tonight for this mission that has had us all on edge.
I already have so much going on in my head. The fact that Missy has been calling me all day hasn’t helped. I clench my jaw at the thought of her.
As if I conjured her up, my phone rings and sure enough, it’s Missy. I get ready to chuck the phone across the room. I don’t get what she doesn’t understand about me having to get my head straight to go out on a dangerous mission.
“Hello,” I answer.
“Why do you sound so annoyed?”
“I don’t know, maybe because I told you the last twenty times you called that I was getting ready to leave for work and had to get my head straight,” I snap.
“I’m sorry. I was checking-in. I’m going to miss you. This is hard for me.”
“Missy, you’ve been seeing that therapist for three months now. He has told you that it’s a great idea for you to find things to occupy your time so that I’m not a crutch. This is a prime example of why that’s so important.
“I need to focus on work. I’m going to be gone and I won’t be able to contact anyone for two weeks. I need to know you’re not going to do anything…”
I trail off. It took a month to get her to see someone after I first suggested it. The only reason she has been seeing a therapist is because she tried to kill herself again a few weeks after.
At least, I got the call from her roommate that she’d found her passed out with a bottle of pills. Once again, while I was away on another assignment. The main reason I had been sending her calls to voicemail all day.
“I’m going to stay with some friends up the coast until you return. I understand you need to focus on work. I only wanted to hear your voice once more,” she says.
“Are you forgetting the talk we had?”
There is a long pause on the other end. At first, I question whether or not she’s still on the line. Before I can speak up to check, she replies.
“I remember,” she mutters.
I sigh. “It’s for the best, Missy. It’s time that you do this for you. Trying to start a relationship with me on top of everything else is unhealthy. I want to see you healthy and happy.”
“You say that like we’re not already in a relationship. We’re not starting anything. We’ve been together for more than a year and a half.”
“No, we had an arrangement for almost a year. We were adjusting to the fact that we were going to be in each other’s lives a whole lot more, but we haven’t been in a relationship. That’s where you have things all f—,” I cut off before I say too much.
“I don’t understand. Where is this coming from?”
“I don’t have time for this right now, Missy. I need to get ready to leave.”
“No, answer me. You told your family that I was your girlfriend. We were becoming more.”
“Missy, we talked about this. Dr. Farner agreed this is the right thing for you, for everyone.”
“You know what, go on your trip. Don’t let me weigh you down. If I hurt myself or not it’s not on you at all,” she replies and hangs up.
I throw my head back and push a hand into my hair. “Fuck.”
Great, just what I need right before walking into a mission. My grip on the phone in my hand is so tight my knuckles turn white. The temptation to hurl it across the room is even greater this time. I swear I don’t need this shit.
The guilt starts to rise, and I question whether I should call back. One thing I know for a fact is that I’ll be in my head about this shit for the next two weeks. If something happens to her while I’m gone that will be on my head.
But you can’t keep enabling this. Something more is wrong