in a place I love. To taint it. To hurt me. She looks small without her usual creatures, almost hidden in the shadows of a steel arch. No panther, no wolf. Not even the moth. She wants to face me alone. Even her clothes seem dull, an echo compared to the jewels, silks, and furs I remember. Now her dress is simple, a fine dark green, and I glimpse leggings beneath her skirts. Larentia Viper is on the move. I imagine she’s allied with Jerald and the other Silvers, opposing us in sentiment but unable to do so openly.
The wind rustles through her black hair, and I glimpse streaks of gray I’ve never seen before.
“You knew what they were going to do to him.”
The accusation hits like a sledgehammer. I keep my distance.
“You knew that woman, and that weakling, that coward of a librarian, were going to kill your father.” Her teeth gleam, a predator’s snarl. Without her animals to control, my mother is quite vulnerable. Powerless against me, in a garden brimming with my own weapons. It doesn’t deter her in the slightest. She moves swiftly, almost hissing as she stops inches from my face. “Do you have anything to say for yourself, Evangeline?”
My voice rasps. “I gave you both a chance.”
It’s the truth. I told them I was leaving. Told them I wanted no part of their schemes anymore. That my life was my own and no one else’s. And my own mother sent a pair of wolves to hunt me down. My own father sneered at my heartache. No matter how much I loved them both, or how much they loved me, it wasn’t enough.
My mother’s lips quiver and her eyes dart. She searches me down to the bone. “I hope the shame follows you into your grave.”
It will, I think. It always will.
“But that grave will be far away,” I whisper. I’m taller than she is, but she still makes me feel small. “On a mountaintop you will never see. With Elane right beside me.”
Her green eyes snap with fury. “And your brother too.”
“His choices are his own.”
For a moment, her voice breaks. “You couldn’t even leave me my son.” I wish I couldn’t hear her, or see into her eyes so clearly. There’s so much anger, so much pain. And realization too. My mother is alone in the world now, cut off from the pack. Forever. Despite all she’s done and all the hurt she has caused me, I can’t help but feel pity.
“One day, I hope you might see things differently.” My offer is shaky at best. Without any guarantee. “And there will be a place for you.” I couldn’t imagine her in Montfort if I tried.
She finds the notion just as preposterous as I do. “Not in that cursed place you call home,” she sneers, turning away. Her shoulders rise with tension, bony and sharp beneath her gown. “Not the way you are, without pride or honor or even your name. Living so openly. Where is your shame?”
I’ve lost count of how many times my mother has mourned my flaw. The person I was born as, the inclinations I cannot change and will never deny again. Still, hearing her disappointment never gets easier. To know she sees what I am as a failure—it is so difficult to bear.
I swallow around the lump in my throat, unable to speak for fear of crying. I won’t do that in front of her. She doesn’t deserve my tears or my pity or my love, small as it may be.
Larentia raises her head, her back still turned. Her body shudders as she heaves a delicate breath. “This is the last time you will ever see me.” Never have I heard a voice so empty. “I wash my hands of you both. My children are dead.”
In my hand, my bracelet twists and trembles, running lazy ripples over my pale skin. The distraction helps me think straight. “Then stop chasing ghosts,” I murmur. And turn away.
I don’t sleep again until I’m home, in the mountains, in Montfort, with Elane’s arms around me and the red light of sunset washing over my face. Thoughts of war and of our future drift and pass me by. They can wait. We’ll tackle them together, Elane and I. Find the middle ground and compromise.
For now I can rest, and heal my iron heart.
FIRE LIGHT
ONE
Mare
I had my pick of days, but in the end, the snow made the decision for me.