It’s true, though. There’s no point tiptoeing around something so huge or the people dealing with it will never fully learn how to face it. As much as I don’t want to face it and it hurts to be reminded that he’s gone, he is in fact gone and I have to deal with that, for my sake and the baby’s.
“Well, have you eaten?”
“Yes.”
“I’m sorry about the food. Nathan insisted I buy only organic for his niece or nephew. But…” she smiles wickedly and places a finger to her lips before beckoning me to the pantry. “If you look back here, there’s a large plastic container. I filled it with goodies.” Goodies? People still say this? And I highly doubt he referred to my unborn as his niece or nephew. Or maybe he did. I don’t know him well enough to assume.
I want to hug her again. “Thank you. I’ve been desperate for chocolate.”
“I didn’t get you anything with peanuts but what I got is still bloody brilliant.” She wanders away, leaving me to raid the container. I find a Twix and almost cry from the relief. “How do you like your room?”
I shrug. “It’s very…”
“Old fashioned?”
“You could say that. It’s beautiful though.” It’s just a room with a bed where I can bury my head. I don’t care about the décor.
She grins again. “Redecorate. We’ll do the nursery too. How I do love decorating a nursery, although it’s been a long time since I had this joy. My youngest just left home last month.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
She lets out a short cackle. “Oh I’m not. It’s about bloody time he figured out his place in the world like his older siblings.” I want to laugh, the feeling is there, but I just can’t. She doesn’t take offence. Her eyes yet again are knowing. She does touch my shoulder gently and add on a quiet whisper, “It’ll get easier, my darling. You will smile again.”
With a nod I sit back down and watch her potter around the kitchen. She natters away about her kids and life and how she came to work for Nathan three years ago. The story isn’t interesting. He put an ad in the local newspaper and she was interviewed. So were two other younger and slimmer women, but she kicked their arses. Again I wanted to smile but couldn’t. She laughed and smiled enough for both of us, so that’s okay.
After half an hour and a cup of tea, she leaves me in the kitchen and goes about her business.
Now what do I do? I guess I could see what’s on the TV. Hopefully something interesting.
Chapter Nine
Two days slowly pass by and I get no word from Nathan. Not that I want or need word from him. I’m absolutely exhausted. Today I walked two miles out instead of just the one and almost got lost on my way back. Tomorrow I’m going to take a piece of chalk and mark the trees as I go so I don’t get lost. My skills at exploring are definitely below par.
I also need some walking boots and some more clothes. All of my things are still in Nathan’s car, which is irritating. The only thing I brought in is my rucksack. I wonder what made him in such a rush that he couldn’t spend twenty minutes bringing in my things.
Sigh.
It’s late and I’m currently curled up on the couch in a robe which Jeanine brought for me this morning. I’m wearing the matching nightgown beneath, which is satin and feels amazing against my oversensitive skin, especially my belly. It fits perfectly, snug around the breasts but floats over my belly and back like a silky cloud.
Caleb loved satin. He tried to make me buy satin bed sheets but they’re irritating when it’s warm and the quilt never stays in place inside the cover.
My eyes burn. I refuse to cry. But sometimes, even though you tell yourself not to cry, you can’t help it.
I miss him so much and the baby’s kicking. Every time I thought that I could feel a flutter, Caleb would instantly put his hands or his head there if he was nearby. Even though he couldn’t feel it, he liked sharing the experience with me.
He’s never even going to get to hold him, never going to see his first smile.
I can’t stop the tears as they flow down my cheeks. This time I don’t try. I cry so much exhaustion sweeps through me. My