Brick Brick (Knights Corruption MC - Next Generation, #4) - S. Nelson Page 0,120

that they’d shag at her place. That was the first time I laughed in as long as I could remember, and she gave that to me. Andy was a true friend and I’d forever be grateful for what she did for me in my darkest time.

My head craned from side to side. “No. That’s all cleared up.”

Then without warning, she switched to asking me about the man I couldn’t stop thinking about as of late, as if I ever stopped. “Have you heard from Brick recently?” Her question didn’t surprise me, as she’d ask about him during every other weekly session, but for some reason this time, my heart sped at the mention of his name.

“No.”

“How do you feel about that?”

A noncommittal noise filled my throat. Her raised brows spurred me to give a verbal answer. “I’m upset he stopped calling, even though…”

“Even though what?”

“Even though I was the one who pushed him away. I never answered. I’m not even sure why I’m upset about it.”

“Could it be that on some level you assumed he’d always be there for you? And when he stopped making contact, he let you down in a way?”

I thought about her questions for a moment. “I guess.”

“Do you want to talk to him?”

Shaking my head, I said, “I just want to hear his voice, not necessarily talk to him.”

“Is that because you think he’ll bring up the attack? Reminding you what happened?”

“I’m reminded of the attack every time I look in the mirror.” The scar on my cheek had faded drastically after I went to see a plastic surgeon a month after I arrived in London. It was only a faint mark now, one I could easily cover with makeup. But when my face was bare, I could see it. “I look at his picture sometimes and…” I wiped away an unexpected tear. “I just wish things were different.”

“Zoe, let me ask you this, and I know we’ve talked about this before, but now that some time has passed you might have another answer.” Dr. Rapport uncrossed her legs for the second time and placed both high-heeled feet on the ground, leaning forward with her hands in her lap, the lilt of her accent working to calm me. “Do you still blame him for what happened?”

During our initial sessions, I admitted that a part of me held Brick responsible for what happened, but with some clarity, I realized it was easier to blame him than myself, not that I was to blame either.

I’d slipped down the proverbial rabbit hole so many times in the past months, being bombarded with so many what-ifs that I could spend an eternity down there, digging myself back to the surface, only to fall again.

What if I’d never come home and gone to Roman’s birthday party?

What if I’d never met Brick?

What if I’d refused to relocate and had stayed in London?

What if I’d listened to him and stayed at Braylen’s until he got there?

And the worst one of all… what if I’d let them take Braylen instead of me? Even thinking that question now made me cringe for how awful it was.

The shame of it all turned into a slippery slope of self-hatred for a while, and I wouldn’t say I was healed and had seen the light, because I wasn’t and I hadn’t, yet. But I was slowly trudging my way there.

Many nights I’d lain in bed thinking about Brick and what he must’ve been going through when we were taken. Thinking about all the times his overprotectiveness was borderline suffocating when all he tried to do, all he ever tried to do was keep me safe. Then for him to hear, and to see what they’d done to me, see the evidence all over my body…. I refused to admit it during our time at the cabin, but I saw how broken he was, and I only made it worse by refusing to talk to him, pushing him away every time he tried to get closer and help me.

I didn’t want his help, though. I didn’t want to get better; I couldn’t even think about that then. I just wanted to drown in my grief and misery, and while there might’ve been a subconscious desire not to drag him down with me, I couldn’t handle the disappointment in his eyes, the pity that poured out of him when he looked at me.

“Zoe?”

I shook my head to knock away the rampant thoughts, trying to focus on Dr. Rapport and