Breathe You - C.R. Jane Page 0,71

I have been forever changed with the knowledge that I’m about to lose Valentina, forever.

When she left before, at least I knew that she was out there somewhere. I could envision her sometimes, when things got dark, and imagine that she was happy and accomplishing everything she’d ever wanted to do. I could tell myself she was better off without me, and I could survive one more day because she still existed.

What am I going to do when she doesn’t exist?

I curl up next to the girl I’ve always loved, desperate to get any comfort I can from her, even though she’s the one dying.

“I can’t live without you,” I whisper to her.

And I know that’s the truth.

Quaid

I’m plastered. It’s my usual coping mechanism when shit hits the fan, but it’s failing miserably at the moment. It’s failing to numb what I’m feeling at all. I still feel like I’m being ripped to shreds. I choke down another long gulp of bourbon from the bottle that I took from the bar. I’ve made my way through almost the entire bottle. It’s a testament to my years of drinking heavily that I’m not passed out on the ground right now. Somehow, I’m still awake. Somehow, I’m still burdened with all of this ugly, awful pain. A pain worse than anything I’ve ever experienced before.

Tears spring to my eyes. I’ve cried a river since this morning, there can’t be many more left, yet they squeeze through my clenched lids. Damnit. Breathe in, breathe out. I follow this mantra so I can’t think about what’s happened, what could happen at any time.

I haven’t cried since Valentina left so many years ago. I didn’t cry of happiness. I didn’t cry during failures. I didn’t even cry when I got injured. It was like that part of my body had been turned off.

The tears come hard and fast now though. The tears take turns with the desperate rage I feel when they’re not falling. The rain beats outside, and it feels like the sky is also crying. I can’t believe she wanted to dance in it. There’s nothing magical or healing about this rain. There’s only pain.

The thick, bountiful tears fall from the sky and pour and pound into the earth as the storm increases.

And still, it doesn’t match the storm that’s raging inside of me. I’ve repeatedly given this girl my past, my present, and my hope for a future. And what she returned to me has been nothing but a lie.

I would rather have never reunited with her, than found her and lost her like this.

As soon as I have that thought though, I know that I’m the one lying now. What I feel for Valentina is desperate, it’s dark. It’s obsessive in a way that I can’t comprehend having for anyone else.

I would rather experience pain forever and have even a second with her, than never see her at all.

I’m a rich man. I’m a rich man who has connections, who has influence. And nothing I’ve accomplished in my life can make a difference in the most important thing that’s ever happened in my life.

Eric would have been ashamed of the man I have become.

I drag myself off the couch, suddenly desperate to see the object of my obsession. Fear strikes through my heart at the thought that, somehow, she’s passed while I’ve been out here throwing the world’s biggest pity party.

I weave my way through the furniture, knocking over a lamp as I try to get to her door that I think I remember Logan disappearing through earlier.

He’s always been the first one to come to his senses. I’m jealous of him at the same time as loving him for that.

He’s going to have to share though. I need all of her remaining moments.

They’ll be my last remaining moments too. The man I am today will cease to exist the second that she stops existing.

I know I should want to do something to make her proud. I should want to work harder, win the next Super Bowl for her so that I can dedicate the win to her memory, solve world hunger…

But that’s all complete bullshit. The best thing I’ve ever done, the only thing that matters that I’ve ever done, is to love Valentina with every ounce of my heart and soul.

It wouldn’t matter what else I did in life, it would never measure up to that.

The only father that ever meant something to me, told me as much.

And I