I can’t stop the tears from forming in my eyes, and when Hart squeezes my shoulder, I shake beneath his touch, releasing the ache inside. My tears are hot and thick, sliding down my face. Sam, I’ve lost Sam. The memory of his touch on me, the feel of his scruffy face against the softness of my skin, is too much to bear. My alarm bells are silent but my heart is loud, hammering in my chest, breaking its silence and confirming what I haven’t allowed my mind to admit. I love him.
Hart sits with me, patiently waiting as I get control of myself, his presence a reassurance that I will survive this. I know now the feelings I had for Tim were not really love. I know that, because losing Tim felt like being hit in the gut, but losing Sam feels like being torn apart.
“You’ll be alright,” Hart says, passing a napkin to me. “It may not feel like it just now, but you will be.”
I wipe my eyes and nose with the napkin and take a deep, shaky breath. “Do you promise?”
“I do.”
“It’s crazy, really. I feel like I’ve lost something I’m not sure I ever really had.”
“Don’t be so sure. He was pretty torn up the other night after you ran out on him. I think he’s as much in love with you as you are with him.”
I release another breath and shake my head. “It doesn’t matter. I don’t think there’s any going back after this morning.”
Hart releases me and pushes himself away from the bar, stretching out each leg before getting to his feet. “Ellie, don’t let your past write your future. Learn from my mistakes.”
Hart moves behind me and walks slowly to the opening in the bar, passing through the small space before pushing on the swinging kitchen door. He looks back at me, smiles, and winks one creased eye before disappearing inside. I’m left sitting alone in the vacant bar, exhausted, hurt, and confused. Sam’s name runs through my mind and I wrap my arms around myself because there’s no one left to comfort me.
I’ve always thought of myself as a little bit psychic. That I’m able to foresee heartbreak so I can prepare myself for it and steel myself against it. But sitting here now, alone in this bar, I know what I really am is a fool. There is no warning system. No way to foresee who you fall in love with and no way to stop yourself from falling. I should’ve trusted my heart to guide me, but I allowed my insecurities, uncertainty, and old memories to lead me from one bad decision to another. If Hart’s story has taught me anything, it’s that love is really about having faith. Faith in yourself, faith in others, and faith that when all is said and done, it’ll be worth it.
Chapter 17
“Oh my goodness, can you believe I’m a bride?”
“Hi, Mama.” I set the suitcase down on my mother’s front porch and let her engulf me in one of her bone-crushing hugs. She rocks me back and forth and for once, I’m happy to let the hug go on for as long as she’s willing to give it. I inhale her perfumed hair and relax into the embrace which is better for a broken heart than any bottle of whiskey or punch to the nose could ever be.
“Oh, Ellie, I am so excited you’re finally here. I can’t wait for you to meet Vernon but he’s gone at the moment. A medical emergency,” she says, nodding her head with great importance.
“Sounds serious,” I say, hoisting my suitcase inside the house behind her.
“Well, that’s just the sort of thing I’m going to have to learn to deal with now that I’ll be the wife of a doctor.”
I don’t want to rain on her parade, so I’m going to let the fact that Vernon has a D.D.S. after his name rather than an M.D. slide. My mom leads me through the cozy, eclectic house to a guestroom at the back of the hallway. The walls are lined with Navajo relics, family pictures, and the occasional framed piece of artwork, most of them created by me in grade school. The guestroom is decorated in soft yellows with cream and sage accents. I set my bag down and take in the sight of my mother who’s radiating happiness.