“Sounds real…nice.” Note to self: never, ever piss off Amber lest you find yourself with unexplained injuries the next day.
“I can make one for Tim if you like,” she offers.
Does it make me a terrible person that I don’t shrug off this offer immediately? I may not want the guy dead, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like to see his balls squished a little bit.
“Um, I think I’m good, for now.”
Amber examines the Noel voodoo doll closely, adjusting his miniature t-shirt just so before unexpectedly and quite viciously smacking it against the counter. Her face is alight in pleasure.
I leave Amber to her black magic and head back into the stockroom, dialing my mom’s number on the way. My mom moved to Scottsdale, Arizona, about five years ago when she was offered a store manager position with Chico’s. What can I say? The lady’s got style. She viewed the move as a fresh start and, God bless her, she’s taken on a whole host of new hobbies to keep her active and enable her to meet new friends. I hate sounding clichéd, but my mom is sort of my hero. I mean, she’s like Rosie the Riveter for twenty-first century single women. She doesn’t need a man to make her happy; she is woman, hear her roar.
“Helloooo!” she sings into the phone.
“Hi, Mama, it’s me.”
“Oh Ellie! Listen honey, I am so glad you called even if it did take you practically two weeks. Now first things first, how are you doing, sweetie, you know, since the big breakup? You know how I don’t like to speak ill of people but that boy is S-C-U-M, Ellie. I don’t like to say it, but there it is. I hope you see this as the lucky break it was. I never thought that relationship was going to work, and it just goes to show what I know. Now, I know you don’t like to hear this, Ellie, but you really need to be more selective about who you’re giving your heart to. You only get so many chances, young lady.”
Sigh. Ten seconds into the conversation and I’ve already been scolded, presented with disapproval, and reminded that I have bad taste in men. I suppose I have Luanne to thank for informing my mother about Tim and me. I’d be upset with her for spilling the beans but in all honesty, I’d rather Luanne take the first offensive than endure it myself. “Sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner. I’m guessing you spoke with Lu?”
“Oh, honey, yes, and she told me everything. What I can’t believe is that he’d have the nerve to cheat on you with your own neighbor. Does community mean nothing anymore?”
Deep breath, Ellie. She loves you, remember that.
“Yeah, well, Mama, I don’t really want to talk about it, okay?”
“Of course you don’t. Consider my lips sealed on the subject of T-I-M from this moment forward. Now, Luanne tells me you may have your eye on a new man. Some sexy motorcycle hunk, is that right? Because you know what I say, Ellie, men on motorcycles are B-A-D news.”
Luanne is dangerously close to becoming a voodoo doll.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Mama. I don’t have my eye on anyone nor am I looking to have my eye on anyone. I think I’m going to try being alone for a while.”
“Oh, well, honey, that’s no good either,” she says, her tone shifting from abject criticism to sweet encouragement in a heartbeat. “You are a young, beautiful, smart woman. You can’t let T-I-M get under your skin and give up on finding someone. Your white knight is out there, baby. You’ve just had to kiss a few frogs on the way.”
I take in a deep breath, forcing down that stubborn lump in my throat. “I don’t know, Mama, maybe they’re all frogs. And anyway, who says I can’t be single and happy, like you are?”
“Oh, Eleanor, honey, I love you to bits, you know that, but I’d be lyin’ if I said eating alone every night was feeding my soul. Fortunately, it’s not something I have to worry about any more.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well…”
“Oh my God, did you meet someone, Mama?”
“Yes! Oh baby, I’ve met the most wonderful man in the whole wide world. His name is Vernon Calvert. I met him when my dentist referred me to his office to get fitted for a crown on my eye tooth. You know the one; it was shorter than the